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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

NEW YORK | THURSDAY, MARCH 11, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.

Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!

Cops in Trouble!

New York cop station robbed! Only toilet seats stolen. Chief Yoskovitz says police have nothing to go on!

Financial Update: Benjamin Yoskovitz

The U.S.has developed a new weapon which kills civilians but leaves buildings and other structures intact. It is called the Stock Market.

IN FOCUS

Terrorist Cell Exposed!

Mark Antony, CEO of Security at the National Department of Bribes, Kickbacks and Graft, has uncovered five suspected terrorists on the government payroll. They were identified as Bin Loafin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Butt-kissin, Bin Scroonup and Bin Sleepin.
      A sixth member of the cell, thought to be named Bin Workin, has not been found despite intensive investigations. Anybody thought to have Bin Workin on their project should inform management immediately, Antony said.


They're everywhere...

Cartoon ....Khartoum

Iranian film director Assami Bin Yoskovitz has announced plans to begin production of his country's first full length animated feature film.The movie, entitled "OH SAMMY, WHERE ART THOU?" follows the hilarious madcap adventures of a bumbling Al'Qaeda suicide bomber as he travels throughout the world trying to blow up various targets, as well as himself.
      The director has already cast the characters' voices, but their identities are being kept secret because several of them are in hiding somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.

Another Resume Scandal

Mendacity Overcomes Veracity

        It was true!

NFY Business Desk
New York company Creative Imaginations announced today that the man expected to take over as CEO has been fired. The company had improved dramatically under the guidance of Benjamin Yoskovitz, but performance simply wasn't enough as he became another victim to the recent resume scandal sweeping the country.
      "The board was very troubled by it. We have a reputation to live up to in this industry, and quite frankly he wasn't up to the task," said Al Jones, executive vice president of the company. "A resume should be inspiring with possibilities of what could have been achieved, diplomas and degrees which may have been awarded, from universities which one would have wished to attend, not just some mundane laundry list of notable accomplishments. When we first received his resume, we were very impressed. Imagine our disappointment to discover it was a factual document."

Man Sucks iPod In Through His Nose

A local resident was hospitalized this week when he accidentally inhaled his iPod Nano.
      "Da ting is jush so dahn shmall," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, his speech still impaired from where the tiny electronic music player had blocked his sinuses. "I shud hab nevah shecked to shee what it shmelled like."
      According to the Apple Corp., makers of the Nano, accidental inhalation of their products has become more and more common, the smaller they've become. "But this is the first one we've heard of that's actually made it past the nasal membrane," said an Apple spokesman, clearly impressed.
      Fortunately, doctors were able to find the Nano by following the earphone cord, which was dangling from the victim's left nostril.


Greed Pays!

Last night, in New York, loan-shark boss Benjamin Yoskovitz announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
      In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Al Jones, Yoskovitz appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.

* Mark Antony of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events. Page B8

* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Al Jones, Crime Reporter

FOR SALE, by aspiring drag queen who has recently given up skydiving and watching TV...

Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Benjamin Yoskovitz at New York Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.

Benjamin Yoskovitz, engineer at Microsoft Advises New Business Grads!

"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know."