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Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected. |
NEW YORK | WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27, 2008 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
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IN FOCUS
Charles's Troubles Mount!
Prince Charles is trying to prevent excerpts from his missing diaries from becoming public. His lawyer, Mark Antony, issued a statement yesterday saying that diary references to Charles and Camilla having two children years ago out of wedlock are absurd.
However, after extensive investigation, NFY Reporter Al Jones has discovered that this is indeed true. One child is pulling a plow in a Lincolnshire potato field, the other is running next month in the Epsom Derby.
Poor guy!
Autobiography of normal
As celebrities cash in on their autobiographies on reality shows, an international publisher has contracted Benjamin Yoskovitz to write a book about his own, very dull, normal life, chronicling his daily routine in excruciating detail.
A riveting preview in a New York newspaper revealed that Yoskovitz was chosen to write his autobiography because of the utter normality of his existence. Books by all his relatives and friends are soon to follow.
Can't Put It Down!
McCartney Split Good for Some
Reputed marijuana dealer, Benjamin Yoskovitz, rejoiced at the news of Paul McCartney's separation from wife Heather Mills.
"My revenues in the last four years were down at least 50%," said Yoskovitz, who officially claims to be a seller of antiques on eBay. "We all know how much McCartney loves...er, antiques...but his wife insisted that they spend all his money on saving seals or some such nonsense," added Yoskovitz, smiling broadly.
It's over!
Flood Destroys City
A massive flood inundated New York yesterday. The cause of the floodwaters has been traced to a blocked toilet in an upscale hotel where Benjamin Yoskovitz was staying for a brief holiday. Analysis of the ruined plumbing system revealed that massive quantities of junk food mixed with large volumes of cheap beer in human waste caused the blockage.
The mayor of New York, Al Jones, was unavailable for comment.
The floodgates opened !
Terrorist Cell Exposed!
Mark Antony, CEO of Security at the National Department of Bribes, Kickbacks and Graft, has uncovered five suspected terrorists on the government payroll. They were identified as Bin Loafin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Butt-kissin, Bin Scroonup and Bin Sleepin.
A sixth member of the cell, thought to be named Bin Workin, has not been found despite intensive investigations. Anybody thought to have Bin Workin on their project should inform management immediately, Antony said.
They're everywhere...
Time Travel Discovered
World famous scientist Mark Antony has created a remarkable invention. Time travel has been tried throughout history and now appears possible through this incredible technology. Further testing by independent agencies is planned for early next year but most experts are skeptical.
In a telephone interview, Antony's assistant, Al Jones was asked when Antony would be able to grant a face-to-face session with NFY reporters. Al responded, "With all the media attention, Mark is extremely busy and is only available for interviews last week."
DaVinci Code Panned
Christian evangelists are thrilled as most movie critics are slamming The DaVinci Code. "It's proof that the movie is blasphemous," says televangelist Pat Robertson. "Critics are insulted by the falsities of the movie, so they're giving it bad reviews."
Noted film-buff, Mark Antony, disagrees, and believes The DaVinci Code to be completely true. Antony points to the fact that plenty of other quality non-fiction and biographical movies have been inappropriately slammed by critics, including Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Gigli, and Antony's own Backyard B.B.Q. with Friends (1989, 8mm version).
Cartoon ....Khartoum
Iranian film director Assami Bin Yoskovitz has announced plans to begin production of his country's first full length animated feature film.The movie, entitled "OH SAMMY, WHERE ART THOU?" follows the hilarious madcap adventures of a bumbling Al'Qaeda suicide bomber as he travels throughout the world trying to blow up various targets, as well as himself.
The director has already cast the characters' voices, but their identities are being kept secret because several of them are in hiding somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.
An E Makes a Difference!
Geneva:
While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
Head Researcher, Mark Antony, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."
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Reassurance From Iran
World Breathes Easier
A Brilliant Diplomat!
From the NFY Political Desk
The winner of the NFY quote of the week, in the category of "What was that again?" is Iranian Foreign Minister Benjamin Moumad Al-Yoskovitz, currently on a world tour in an effort to ease global concerns about Iran and promote tourism to that country.
In an interview with NFY reporter, Al Jones, yesterday, Al-Yoskovitz said, "We wish to become members of the community of civilized nations. Let me be clear that we welcome you and hope you will visit our peaceful nation. Our beloved leader, Osama BinWhatthehell and Al'Jazeerah in Gaza have both stated firmly that Shi'ites and Sunnis in sympathy with our brothers and sisters of Hezbollah and Al'Qaeda will no longer fatwa their burkas and chadors for the jihad liberation of the intifadah martyrs in opposition to western aggression for the sake of a few Hamas freedom fighters in any disputed territories. So as you can see, you can be assured of a fun vacation in our country."
Another Resume Scandal
Mendacity Overcomes Veracity
It was true!
NFY Business Desk
New York company Creative Imaginations announced today that the man expected to take over as CEO has been fired. The company had improved dramatically under the guidance of Benjamin Yoskovitz, but performance simply wasn't enough as he became another victim to the recent resume scandal sweeping the country.
"The board was very troubled by it. We have a reputation to live up to in this industry, and quite frankly he wasn't up to the task," said Al Jones, executive vice president of the company. "A resume should be inspiring with possibilities of what could have been achieved, diplomas and degrees which may have been awarded, from universities which one would have wished to attend, not just some mundane laundry list of notable accomplishments. When we first received his resume, we were very impressed. Imagine our disappointment to discover it was a factual document."
Designing for Women Drivers!
Now that's Intelligent!
Cars for the Ladies!
From the NFY Business Desk
Citing the need to reverse the trend of falling car sales, and increase the share of domestically-built automobiles, American car manufacturers will begin designing cars specifically targetting female drivers. "We have been ignoring one-half of our potential customers for too long", said Benjamin Yoskovitz, Marketing Manager at Ford Motors.
Based on the Focus, the new Ford Fallopia will feature such options as driver's-side headrests equipped with hair dryer vents, gas filler ports on both sides of the car and a retractable stickshift which can be ignored when the driver is on her cell phone, adjusting her skirt or putting on makeup and just not in the mood to shift.
Other manufacturers are expected to follow suit and unveil prototypes of their own gender-specific automobiles such as the Chrysler Cloitus and the Oldsmobile Ovarium.
New U.S. Political Party Formed
Combines Worst Of Others' Platforms
Republicrat Mascot
After an international search among certified mentally-unstable persons, Benjamin Yoskovitz of New York, the United States, has been chosen to lead a new U.S. political party, the Republicrats, which aims to incorporate the worst qualities of Democrats and Republicans.
Party chairman Yoskovitz said he was tired of parties that only do things halfway.
"But combining the corruption and heartless social agenda of the Republicans with the disorganization and runaway spending of the Democrats - well, that's the whole package," he said.
The ambitious party platform includes programs such as raising taxes 200 percent to buy everybody more guns, and giving huge tax cuts to same-sex couples who marry, whether they're gay or not.
Unfortunately, the party's first presidential candidate, Al Jones, has already been forced to resign after being caught in a compromising position with an intern. Jones claims only to have been looking for a WMD in the intern's underwear.
Man Builds Democracy In Back Yard!
A Noble Citizen!
Used to be Worse!
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, a local man says he soon expects to see democracy flourishing in his backyard.
"It's hard, tough work," said Benjamin Yoskovitz of New York, whose backyard is currently riddled with tall, unruly patches of grass, children's playthings and piles left by neighborhood dogs. "But if we give up now, then the lawn has won."
Yoskovitz first proposed installing order and democracy in his yard three summers ago, when he convinced his spouse of the need to purchase a John Deere X340 Lawn Tractor (MSRP: $4,999) to deal with an "out-of-control lawn" that threatened their "very way of life." The campaign apparently went well until a fan belt broke on the X340 and Yoskovitz, rather than getting it repaired, opted to watch golf on TV. Now the crabgrass, unsightly brown patches and renegade chinch bugs are fighting amongst themselves, but Yoskovitz says the battle can still be won, "or at least put off until everything is covered with snow."
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Rapper's Release 'Inspired'
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Rap singer, Benjamin Yoskovitz, after a number of poor albums, has come up with an exciting and innovative release. The CD cleverly combines rural African rhythms and urban sounds from the United States - something unique in a rap release. Sounds of water dripping and splashing, paper tearing and trucks backfiring are all part of this creative work.
During a recent tour promoting the album, Yoskovitz commented on the inspiration for its content. "During our last gig here in New York, I got food poisoning after eating sushi. I spent almost three days and nights in the bathroom and the emotions and inspiration just seemed to flow out of me."
The album, simply entitled 'Yoskovitz Unplugged', will be on sale tomorrow.
Man Makes Deal With Devil, Gets Cat Food
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A New York man's deal with the devil has left him with a lifetime supply of cat food. "I knew I should have gone with Door No. 2!" said Benjamin Yoskovitz, who chose Door No. 1 and got the cat food, rather than Door No. 2, which hid a new Mercedes. "Of course, Door No. 3 was eternal damnation, so I guess I should count my blessings," noted Yoskovitz.
Yoskovitz was chosen to wager his heavenly soul in a quest for fame and fortune after lighting 666 candles arranged in the shape of a pentagram, and returning the questionnaire with an 8x10 glossy. He says he found the devil "intimidating," but "not as bad as that really creepy woman from 'Weakest Link.'"
Spat Over Bull!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
TV celebrities Benjamin Yoskovitz and his spouse Bettie Smith continued to publicly display their tempestuous relationship this week-end.
Walking around the annual New York Agricultural Show, Ms. Smith was intrigued by a huge breeding bull, over which hung a sign indicating that it had mated more than 300 times last year. She was overheard to bringing this to Benjamin's attention, teasingly saying that perhaps he could learn something from the animal.
Mr. Yoskovitz, perhaps using an unfortunate choice of words, openly doubted that it was with the same cow each time.
He is currently in a local hospital recovering from multiple abrasions and contusions to his face and neck. A full recovery is expected.
Fear Factor Finalist Freaks
Al Jones
Field Reporter
New York resident Benjamin Yoskovitz was on the brink of winning the grand prize of $50,000 as he entered the final round of Fear Factor, the smash-hit TV show which preys upon the physical and psychological phobias of its contestants.
In previous episodes, Benjamin had successfully eaten poisonous toads, been covered with hundreds of tarantulas, and been towed as a live bait for great white sharks.
Yesterday's challenge proved too much, however, for our local hero. When asked to go on a date with the now-single Heather Mills McCartney, Yoskovitz visibly blanched, trembled at the knees and dry retched, before declining. "Every man has his breaking point," he told reporters.
Man Sucks iPod In Through His Nose
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A local resident was hospitalized this week when he accidentally inhaled his iPod Nano.
"Da ting is jush so dahn shmall," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, his speech still impaired from where the tiny electronic music player had blocked his sinuses. "I shud hab nevah shecked to shee what it shmelled like."
According to the Apple Corp., makers of the Nano, accidental inhalation of their products has become more and more common, the smaller they've become. "But this is the first one we've heard of that's actually made it past the nasal membrane," said an Apple spokesman, clearly impressed.
Fortunately, doctors were able to find the Nano by following the earphone cord, which was dangling from the victim's left nostril.
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Greed Pays!
Last night, in New York, loan-shark boss Benjamin Yoskovitz announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Al Jones, Yoskovitz appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.
Stingy? Not Him!
Putting to rest his widespread reputation for stinginess, lottery winner, Benjamin Yoskovitz announced that he would donate his $10 million lottery win to charity, of course once all his expenses were paid, creditors satisfied and his new condo in New York completed. He estimated the remainder to be "well into four figures".
When asked about what he intended to do about all the begging letters, Mr. Yoskovitz told NFY reporters that he saw no reason to change the habits of a lifetime and that he would continue to send them out, as usual.
Rags to Riches
Benjamin Yoskovitz, self made millionaire, was feted yesterday by the Business Acumen Recognition Foundation (BARF).
Mr. Yoskovitz described how his hard childhood prepared him for business. When his blind, widowed mother became crippled with arthritis, Yoskovitz, then aged 32, moved out and using her pension, formed Orphans.Org, a non-profit charity providing holiday trips for deprived children.
A solicitation campaign featuring a lottery allowing kids to win the trips brought in $20 million last year. Mr. Yoskovitz described the absolute delight of both of last year's trip winners.
Heartless Behavior
Charity workers, campaigning door-to-door for the ''Relief Fund for New York Widows and Orphans'' were verbally abused and threatened by resident Benjamin Yoskovitz yesterday. Mr. Yoskovitz became incensed and suggested that the workhouse should be re-instituted for such people.
Apparently overwrought by the confrontation, he was taken to New York General Hospital suffering from severe chest pains. Fearing cardiac arrest, doctors performed exploratory surgery, but were amazed to find he actually had no heart. Records subsequently showed that the organ had been removed in 2002 at Mr. Yoskovitz's own request.
Hypochondriac Cure
In this month's respected medical journal "The Lancet", doctors claim a breakthrough in treating "Benjamin Yoskovitz Syndrome". The medical world has been baffled for years by the case of Mr. Yoskovitz from New York, the United States, who suffered symptoms of multiple ailments and diseases, often simultaneously or in rapid succession. Neither self-medication nor professional treatment brought any relief.
Recent studies have identified a small gland in the front lobe of the brain which acts as an attention seeker, triggering the symptoms. Removing the gland has proven 100% successful.
In unrelated news, pharmaceutical stocks fall sharply.
Virus can be Vanquished
Doctors throughout the United States are concerned about the New York virus expected to hit next winter.
Dr. Benjamin Yoskovitz, the government's Chief Epidemiologist, stated that the virus causes sneezing, low-grade fever and slight headaches but, as a result of hard work by researchers and massive government grants, a vaccine is available.
Although the vaccine can cause side effects such as lung, liver and heart failure, convulsions, genital gangrene and facial decay, Yoskovitz urged everyone, especially members of the Sharia 'R' Us Support Group, to get inoculated.
For Menopausal Women
A joint study by the National Bureau of Good Food and Department of Redundancy Department has given hope to menopausal women.
Benjamin Yoskovitz led the study that followed 100,000 women to gather information, statistics and pictures. Yoskovitz, in a news conference, announced that junk food reduces stress and hot flashes if taken with large amounts of wine. Women have been waiting for such a breakthrough for generations.
Yoskovitz added that the pictures were available for sale on EBay.
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* Mark Antony of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled
tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events.
Page B8
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Al Jones, Crime Reporter |
FOR SALE, by aspiring drag queen who has recently given up skydiving and watching TV...
Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Benjamin Yoskovitz at New York Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.
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Benjamin Yoskovitz, engineer at Microsoft Advises New Business Grads!
"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know." |
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