IN FOCUS
Terrorist Cell Exposed!
Mark Antony, CEO of Security at the National Department of Bribes, Kickbacks and Graft, has uncovered five suspected terrorists on the government payroll. They were identified as Bin Loafin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Butt-kissin, Bin Scroonup and Bin Sleepin.
A sixth member of the cell, thought to be named Bin Workin, has not been found despite intensive investigations. Anybody thought to have Bin Workin on their project should inform management immediately, Antony said.
They're everywhere...
Pharma Shares Rising!
World Health Organization officials have recommended that the controversial new latex condom manufactured by New York Pharma be taken off the market. Apparently users have been developing allergies causing severe swelling when wearing the prophylactic.
Mark Antony, Production Manager at the New York facility, fielded reporters' questions, saying, "What's the problem?"
Sales have doubled since the WHO announcement and many pharmacies have no supplies left because of stockpiling by anxious customers.
Condom Selling Fast!
Charles's Troubles Mount!
Prince Charles is trying to prevent excerpts from his missing diaries from becoming public. His lawyer, Mark Antony, issued a statement yesterday saying that diary references to Charles and Camilla having two children years ago out of wedlock are absurd.
However, after extensive investigation, NFY Reporter Al Jones has discovered that this is indeed true. One child is pulling a plow in a Lincolnshire potato field, the other is running next month in the Epsom Derby.
Poor guy!
Director Nixes Poster
The Florida Everglades Resort and Trailer Park has announced that it has hired New York native, Benjamin Yoskovitz as Marketing Director responsible for the Parks new publicity campaign. Although the Parks official promotional poster (pictured below) was expensive to create, Yoskovitz pulled the poster from the campaign, stating in a press release, that it might lead tourists to falsely believe that the Park supplied lawn chairs, sunglasses and music headphones. These items, Yoskovitz insisted, were solely the responsibility of the Park visitor.
Parks Promo Poster
Law Suit Looming!
A local man, Benjamin Yoskovitz, has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the Florida Everglades Tourist Resort and Trailer Park. In his claim, Mr. Yoskovitz stated, that as a result of a vacation at the Resort when he was a youngster, he had since been unable to form meaningful, intimate relationships during his later teen years and adult life. Taking time off from his position as lead soprano singer for the New York Choir, Mr. Yoskovitz provided photographic evidence of his claim during an exclusive interview with NewsForYou reporter, Mark Antony.
Park at Fault?
Cartoon ....Khartoum
Iranian film director Assami Bin Yoskovitz has announced plans to begin production of his country's first full length animated feature film.The movie, entitled "OH SAMMY, WHERE ART THOU?" follows the hilarious madcap adventures of a bumbling Al'Qaeda suicide bomber as he travels throughout the world trying to blow up various targets, as well as himself.
The director has already cast the characters' voices, but their identities are being kept secret because several of them are in hiding somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.
Japanese Purchase Resort!
In a surprise take-over, a Japanese conglomerate yesterday completed purchase of the Club Bed Resort Company, for an undisclosed amount. Club Bed has exclusive resorts all over the world and last year made huge profits. CEO of the Japanese mega-company, Benjaminiko Yoskovitzuki, said in a press release yesterday from the lavish company headquarters located in beautiful, downtown New York, "We are an aggressive organization, always looking to acquire any company that furthers the purchase and use of cameras."
Time Travel Discovered
World famous scientist Mark Antony has created a remarkable invention. Time travel has been tried throughout history and now appears possible through this incredible technology. Further testing by independent agencies is planned for early next year but most experts are skeptical.
In a telephone interview, Antony's assistant, Al Jones was asked when Antony would be able to grant a face-to-face session with NFY reporters. Al responded, "With all the media attention, Mark is extremely busy and is only available for interviews last week."
DaVinci Code Panned
Christian evangelists are thrilled as most movie critics are slamming The DaVinci Code. "It's proof that the movie is blasphemous," says televangelist Pat Robertson. "Critics are insulted by the falsities of the movie, so they're giving it bad reviews."
Noted film-buff, Mark Antony, disagrees, and believes The DaVinci Code to be completely true. Antony points to the fact that plenty of other quality non-fiction and biographical movies have been inappropriately slammed by critics, including Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Gigli, and Antony's own Backyard B.B.Q. with Friends (1989, 8mm version).
An E Makes a Difference!
Geneva:
While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
Head Researcher, Mark Antony, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."
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Another Resume Scandal
Mendacity Overcomes Veracity
It was true!
NFY Business Desk
New York company Creative Imaginations announced today that the man expected to take over as CEO has been fired. The company had improved dramatically under the guidance of Benjamin Yoskovitz, but performance simply wasn't enough as he became another victim to the recent resume scandal sweeping the country.
"The board was very troubled by it. We have a reputation to live up to in this industry, and quite frankly he wasn't up to the task," said Al Jones, executive vice president of the company. "A resume should be inspiring with possibilities of what could have been achieved, diplomas and degrees which may have been awarded, from universities which one would have wished to attend, not just some mundane laundry list of notable accomplishments. When we first received his resume, we were very impressed. Imagine our disappointment to discover it was a factual document."
Lingerie Marketing Campaign Flops
Director Fired
Lingerie poster
From the NFY Business Desk
Benjamin Yoskovitz, Marketing Director of the global ladies lingerie empire, Victoria's Secretions, has been unceremoniously fired after ten years of loyal service to the company. As a result of a sales campaign that has gone surprisingly wrong, damaged the company's reputation and sent sales spiraling downwards, this pillar of the business community has been told that his services were no longer required.
"A lot of research went into the planning of this campaign," said Yoskovitz in a tearful interview with NFY reporter, Mark Antony. "I had heard that New York had very beautiful girls, so I set up auditions there and picked a lovely lady to model the new lingerie line. I also know that nowadays tattoos are sexy. So the girl I selected had to have one. Take a look at the marketing poster (pictured here). The lingerie is beautiful, the model is gorgeous." sniffed Mr. Yoskovitz, "What happened? Maybe the the lingerie should have been baby blue or white instead of red. I just don't know."
Soooo Confused!
Kosovo Refugee Goes Mad!
Sad Place!
New York
Benjamin Yoskovitzovic, a Kosovo refugee, is a recent immigrant to this country. After deciding to put down roots in New York, he had been adapting very well. Tragically, his luck ran out last week in a poignant reminder that a new home, away from the ravishes of wars and ethnic cleansing, is not always easy.
Yoskovitzovic had always believed that he was born to an Albanian father and a Croation mother. He just discovered the awful truth. He had been adopted as a young boy! Yoskovitzovic had, in fact, grown up as the child of an Albanian father from Kosovo and a Croatian mother from Slovenia but his natural parents were a Serbian father from Bosnia and a Macedonian mother from Herzegovina.
Yoskovitzovic, after being apprehended for burning down his own house, was admitted to The New York Mental Hospital suffering from multiple personality disorder.
Airline Discrimination!
All too common!
Ooooh Yummmmy!
NFY Business Desk
The recent trend of charging a 50 to 100 per cent premium on airline seats for severly overweight passengers has now become a common practice with most major air carriers. Also, the trend towards smaller and healthier in-flight meals has resulted in an overall unpleasant travel experience for the obese flyer.
In an effort to cater to this segment of the flying population, a group of local investors have announced plans to start up a specialty airline. Spokesperson for the newly formed "Trans Fat Airways", Benjamin Yoskovitz explained: "We're going to take a Boeing 747 and put in really big seats, and really big aisles, four feet wide, maybe even five feet wide. The meals will also be gigantic and the bathrooms will be humongous. Even the stewardesses will be big."
When asked about the pricing policy, agent Yoskovitz replied, "We are going to charge those fatties by the pound."
An Incredible Entrepreneur!
New York is Proud!
A Worthy Recipient!
The New York Chamber of Commerce has announced the recipient of the Dumbest Entrepreneur of the Year Award. Local resident and complete idiot, Mr. Benjamin Yoskovitz was the undisputed winner by virtue of his poor business decisions and last year's large financial losses. Although he faced stiff competition, it was his investment in a school for seeing eye chickens that cemented his win.
Last years recipients, Sam and Ella Towmain, whose seafood restaurant which bore their name closed after only two weeks, were on hand to see Yoskovitz receive his award. The president of the Chamber of Commerce, Al Jones presented Yoskovitz with a $5000 check along with the names of some good financial advisors.
When asked if he had any idea what to do with the money, Yoskovitz replied that he was thinking of opening a kosher bakery in Tehran or, if he could find some partners, a chain of dog grooming studios in Korea.
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Man Sucks iPod In Through His Nose
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A local resident was hospitalized this week when he accidentally inhaled his iPod Nano.
"Da ting is jush so dahn shmall," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, his speech still impaired from where the tiny electronic music player had blocked his sinuses. "I shud hab nevah shecked to shee what it shmelled like."
According to the Apple Corp., makers of the Nano, accidental inhalation of their products has become more and more common, the smaller they've become. "But this is the first one we've heard of that's actually made it past the nasal membrane," said an Apple spokesman, clearly impressed.
Fortunately, doctors were able to find the Nano by following the earphone cord, which was dangling from the victim's left nostril.
Film To Be Missed By Millions
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A New York man has been chosen to star in a depressing independent film that nobody will see. "Apparently they're looking for 'regular people' to highlight the true nature of mankind," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, who appears as 'Leslie,' a gay plumber in the film, entitled "47 Conversations About Nothing."
The film will be released simultaneously to theaters, DVD, TV and bootleggers. "We want to provide as many people as possible the opportunity to not see it," said Yoskovitz, who apparently had some tough competition for the role, including more than a dozen street hobos, two convicted killers, and several cardboard cutouts.
When released, many Film Academy members are planning to use the free DVDs as coasters.
Spat Over Bull!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
TV celebrities Benjamin Yoskovitz and his spouse Bettie Smith continued to publicly display their tempestuous relationship this week-end.
Walking around the annual New York Agricultural Show, Ms. Smith was intrigued by a huge breeding bull, over which hung a sign indicating that it had mated more than 300 times last year. She was overheard to bringing this to Benjamin's attention, teasingly saying that perhaps he could learn something from the animal.
Mr. Yoskovitz, perhaps using an unfortunate choice of words, openly doubted that it was with the same cow each time.
He is currently in a local hospital recovering from multiple abrasions and contusions to his face and neck. A full recovery is expected.
Man Makes Deal With Devil, Gets Cat Food
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A New York man's deal with the devil has left him with a lifetime supply of cat food. "I knew I should have gone with Door No. 2!" said Benjamin Yoskovitz, who chose Door No. 1 and got the cat food, rather than Door No. 2, which hid a new Mercedes. "Of course, Door No. 3 was eternal damnation, so I guess I should count my blessings," noted Yoskovitz.
Yoskovitz was chosen to wager his heavenly soul in a quest for fame and fortune after lighting 666 candles arranged in the shape of a pentagram, and returning the questionnaire with an 8x10 glossy. He says he found the devil "intimidating," but "not as bad as that really creepy woman from 'Weakest Link.'"
Family Suffers While Man Trapped In Movie
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Area residents have been asked to contribute to a fund-raiser for a New York man who's become trapped in a summer blockbuster.
Benjamin Yoskovitz says he knew something was amiss when, three times in the same week, he found himself having to outrun a tremendous fireball. He was also pursued through his neighborhood by a giant spaceship, a Tyrannosaurus Rex and Tom Hanks.
"I think some of them might have been Computer Generated Images, but it was still pretty scary," said Yoskovitz.
The fund-raiser will benefit Yoskovitz's spouse, Bettie, who has found it difficult to fend for herself while Yoskovitz dodges car chases and super-heroes. Although "if he were Brad Pitt, I could live with it," she noted.
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Greed Pays!
Last night, in New York, loan-shark boss Benjamin Yoskovitz announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Al Jones, Yoskovitz appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.
Stingy? Not Him!
Putting to rest his widespread reputation for stinginess, lottery winner, Benjamin Yoskovitz announced that he would donate his $10 million lottery win to charity, of course once all his expenses were paid, creditors satisfied and his new condo in New York completed. He estimated the remainder to be "well into four figures".
When asked about what he intended to do about all the begging letters, Mr. Yoskovitz told NFY reporters that he saw no reason to change the habits of a lifetime and that he would continue to send them out, as usual.
Rags to Riches
Benjamin Yoskovitz, self made millionaire, was feted yesterday by the Business Acumen Recognition Foundation (BARF).
Mr. Yoskovitz described how his hard childhood prepared him for business. When his blind, widowed mother became crippled with arthritis, Yoskovitz, then aged 32, moved out and using her pension, formed Orphans.Org, a non-profit charity providing holiday trips for deprived children.
A solicitation campaign featuring a lottery allowing kids to win the trips brought in $20 million last year. Mr. Yoskovitz described the absolute delight of both of last year's trip winners.
Heartless Behavior
Charity workers, campaigning door-to-door for the ''Relief Fund for New York Widows and Orphans'' were verbally abused and threatened by resident Benjamin Yoskovitz yesterday. Mr. Yoskovitz became incensed and suggested that the workhouse should be re-instituted for such people.
Apparently overwrought by the confrontation, he was taken to New York General Hospital suffering from severe chest pains. Fearing cardiac arrest, doctors performed exploratory surgery, but were amazed to find he actually had no heart. Records subsequently showed that the organ had been removed in 2002 at Mr. Yoskovitz's own request.
Hypochondriac Cure
In this month's respected medical journal "The Lancet", doctors claim a breakthrough in treating "Benjamin Yoskovitz Syndrome". The medical world has been baffled for years by the case of Mr. Yoskovitz from New York, the United States, who suffered symptoms of multiple ailments and diseases, often simultaneously or in rapid succession. Neither self-medication nor professional treatment brought any relief.
Recent studies have identified a small gland in the front lobe of the brain which acts as an attention seeker, triggering the symptoms. Removing the gland has proven 100% successful.
In unrelated news, pharmaceutical stocks fall sharply.
Virus can be Vanquished
Doctors throughout the United States are concerned about the New York virus expected to hit next winter.
Dr. Benjamin Yoskovitz, the government's Chief Epidemiologist, stated that the virus causes sneezing, low-grade fever and slight headaches but, as a result of hard work by researchers and massive government grants, a vaccine is available.
Although the vaccine can cause side effects such as lung, liver and heart failure, convulsions, genital gangrene and facial decay, Yoskovitz urged everyone, especially members of the Sharia 'R' Us Support Group, to get inoculated.
For Menopausal Women
A joint study by the National Bureau of Good Food and Department of Redundancy Department has given hope to menopausal women.
Benjamin Yoskovitz led the study that followed 100,000 women to gather information, statistics and pictures. Yoskovitz, in a news conference, announced that junk food reduces stress and hot flashes if taken with large amounts of wine. Women have been waiting for such a breakthrough for generations.
Yoskovitz added that the pictures were available for sale on EBay.
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