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WACO | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Family Jewels - It's All Relative!
After extensive testing by disappointed volunteers, it seems that the penis enlargement pills developed by renowned urologist Dr. Cheryl Turner, do not work as it was first claimed. Some psychological benefits, however, are still valid.
It was found that the medication does nothing to increase the size of the penis. It does, however, shrink the testicles by about forty per cent, thereby making the penis appear considerably longer.
Volunteers Discouraged!
Local Mountaineer Stymied
Jena Eilers has failed in her quest to become the first woman from Waco to climb 29,000 feet high Mount Everest. Ms. Eilers reached a height of 850ft before abandonning the attempt, citing dizziness, lack of oxygen and frostbite, but dismissing rumours that the absence of public washrooms was a major factor.
The team of 32 Sherpa porters, hired by Ms. Eilers to transport her wardrobe and kitchenware would be fully paid, she said. Asked if she would try again, Ms. Eilers replied that she would stick to social climbing from now on.
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Waco Home and Garden Tour
New Home Added to Tour
Bathroom Renovations...
From the NFY Social Desk
For the first time this year, Jena Eilers's home will be available for public viewing during the prestigious Charity Home and Garden Tour taking place next month in Waco.
Ms. Eilers was proud as punch that her home was selected and in an interview with NewsForYou reporter, Cheryl Turner, said, "I owe it all to the renovation company that I hired. These guys were great. They hammered, nailed, drilled, plastered, tiled, grouted, caulked and that was just during their lunch hour. They even let me lend them a hand once in a while, especially during their coffee breaks. They are such professionals that some of the ladies in the Home and Garden Committee have already asked me for their references."
Ms. Eilers provided many before and after photos of her home and of the renovation team working and relaxing during breaks.
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More Commandments Deciphered!
Jaime Hale
Field Reporter
Waco -
Excitement mounts in the academic world as scholars continue studying the stone tablets recently unearthed on Mount Arrarat.
Professor Jena Eilers of the prestigious Waco School of Biblical Studies, told incredulous reporters that the tablets appeared to be updating the original commandments, as well as being more politically correct. Two more have been recently revealed:
No.7 Rev.1 reads ''Thou mayest occasionally commit adultery, so long as thou dost not get caught''
No.10 Rev.1 reads ''Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass, nor his/her wife's/husband's ass, nor anything that is his/hers, including their Mercedes-Benz.
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Cheery Woman UN Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Jena Eilers of Waco as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That woman could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use Eilers's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, Eilers said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as she told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute Eilers into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Jena," said friend Jaime Hale, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
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