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Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected. |
BUDAPEST | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
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IN FOCUS
Family Jewels - It's All Relative!
After extensive testing by disappointed volunteers, it seems that the penis enlargement pills developed by renowned urologist Dr. Tamas Radnoti, do not work as it was first claimed. Some psychological benefits, however, are still valid.
It was found that the medication does nothing to increase the size of the penis. It does, however, shrink the testicles by about forty per cent, thereby making the penis appear considerably longer.
Volunteers Discouraged!
Sports Update
Cycling's prestigious Budapest - Timbuktu race was won this year by Janos Szenfner in a record time of 2 years and 12 days.
A crowd of 17 people and 3 donkeys gave a tumultuous welcome as he entered the city after an epic ride during which he fought off snakes, crocodiles, and female Anglican missionaries. Saddle-sore but satisfied, he said he'd cycle back the same way and would likely try a missionary position with the Anglicans.
"I hope this is not just a passing fancy," said best friend Laszlo Papp. "It's time he settled down."
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Group Wants Belts!
Looking for your support
Hey, lady! Wear a belt!
The Budapest chapter of the "Wear a Belt Society" is launching an aggressive ad campaign in the hope that its message will get across.
Dedicated to promoting the use of belts for pants, skirts, shorts and any other garments worn and cinched at the waist, this group, like many others, is looking to increase public awareness and of course raise money for its cause.
"Wear a Belt Society" spokesperson, Janos Szenfner said in a press conference attended by NFY reporter, Laszlo Papp, that the "Wear a Belt Society" is the only group in North America and Iraq to fight the display of low, baggy, beltless pants worn by the urban hip-hop types, the navel-showing, hip-hugger pants worn by young girls everywhere, the suspender held up slacks favored by the older man and other instances of beltless clothes, such as plumber's jeans, so evident in today's society.
Janos provided graphs, statistics and pictures, such as the one pictured at right, to support his claims.
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More Commandments Deciphered!
Laszlo Papp
Field Reporter
Budapest -
Excitement mounts in the academic world as scholars continue studying the stone tablets recently unearthed on Mount Arrarat.
Professor Janos Szenfner of the prestigious Budapest School of Biblical Studies, told incredulous reporters that the tablets appeared to be updating the original commandments, as well as being more politically correct. Two more have been recently revealed:
No.7 Rev.1 reads ''Thou mayest occasionally commit adultery, so long as thou dost not get caught''
No.10 Rev.1 reads ''Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass, nor his/her wife's/husband's ass, nor anything that is his/hers, including their Mercedes-Benz.
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Know-it-all Knocks NASA
A man from Budapest on a tour of Cape Canaveral has assumed control of NASA, saying he could do a better job running the operation than "these pinheaded yahoos."
Janos Szenfner was on vacation in Florida when he took the tour, during which he continually corrected NASA personnel using various bits of space program arcana he'd picked up on NOVA and by watching "Star Trek" reruns.
"Clearly they need someone with just a little more knowledge about the subject," Szenfner said. When reminded that the NASA workers were in fact rocket scientists, he responded, "Ooooh, rocket scientists! ... Morons."
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