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Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Sun Prairie area. Light winds, with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine. Tonight's low: Very

SUN PRAIRIE | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.

Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48

Breaking Medical News!

Inventor Emily Champagne markets home surgery kit for those without health insurance - "Suture Self."

New International Marriage Symbol

After years of debate, Emily Champagne, UN Human Rights Commissioner approves pictogram representing International Symbol of Marriage.

Astronaut Emily Champagne Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft!

IN FOCUS

Sun Prairie Woman Charged With Indecency

Disgraced executive of the respected marketing firm Wees, Scruum and Howe, took the witness box today at her trial for contributing to public immorality.
Ms Emily Champagne, who was responsible for organising the United States's annual wine tasting competition, admitted to spiking the samples with Viagra. The resultant orgy was witnessed live on national television. Ms. Champagne pleaded with the judge for leniency, saying that she was "not getting much at home these days", and to take into account that the audience cheered when her knickers were thrown from the stage.

Cute little blue pills

Marital Sex: Pregnancy Risk High

Michelle Unzicker, spokesperson for the newly-formed Organisation Against Shameless Marital Sex (Org.ASMS), has announced its pilot program advocating post-marital sexual abstinence. The program comes on the heels of a major government study which concluded that post-marital sex has become the number one cause of pregnancy in the country.
This study was particularly resonant for Unzicker who was actually conceived in an act of post-marital sex. Unzicker said, "Nobody likes to envision their parents doing the nasty. Let's stop this epidemic before they start popping up in porn movies."

NFY Reporter Sustains Head Injury!

Will be off work for months!

Ouch.....

A women's group based in Sun Prairie is claiming that the incidence of cheating husbands has reached epidemic proportions and that the practice is seriously undermining the moral fabric of society.
To address this situation, researchers at a local hospital have developed a penile implant that would help combat infidelity. Head researcher Dr.Emily Champagne explained the procedure. "It's really quite a simple operation. First we install a small electronic sensor in the head of the penis with wires running just under the skin down the shaft directly into the scrotum. We then make three small incisions in the left testicle, pull the wires through, and connect them to a battery pack strapped to the right testicle. When the sensor picks up any sexual activity it heats up the wires causing the penis to..."
It was at this point in the interview that our reporter passed out, hitting his head on the doctor's desk. He was treated for trauma and later released.

Local Woman Used To Discourage Life

Michelle Unzicker
Field Reporter

Sun Prairie - A woman from the United States has been chosen by the International Pro-Choice Movement as the "Poster child for abortion."
        Pictures of Emily Champagne of Sun Prairie will be appearing on posters and pamphlets, along with the caption, "If Only Her Parents Hadn't Chosen Life."
        "We're looking to send a very clear message," said Alex Van Rossum of the pro-choice organization Abortions for Everybody. "That if abortions are made illegal, there will be a lot more Emily Champagnes in the world."
        For her part, Champagne said she has mixed emotions about being chosen. "I'm not so sure it's a compliment," she said, adding, however, that "if I can prevent just one more me, then it will have all been worth it."

'Most Cheerful' Award

The Optimist Society has voted Emily Champagne"Sun Prairie's Most Cheerful Person."         Last year, after a tornado completely destroyed her house, she was quoted as saying, "It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good." Days later, fired from her job, she laughed it off, claiming that, "every cloud has a silver lining."
        "It's no good crying over spilt milk," she told police after being mugged and robbed of her wallet and what proved to be a winning lottery ticket.
        Accepting her trophy at last night's Awards, Ms. Champagne slipped and fell off the stage, breaking her left arm. "Look at the bright side," she told our reporter cheerily, "I'm right-handed you know, so fortunately..." (Here our reporter threw up.)