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WARNER ROBINS | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Terrorist Cell Exposed!
Bill Cody, CEO of Security at the National Department of Bribes, Kickbacks and Graft, has uncovered five suspected terrorists on the government payroll. They were identified as Bin Loafin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Butt-kissin, Bin Scroonup and Bin Sleepin.
A sixth member of the cell, thought to be named Bin Workin, has not been found despite intensive investigations. Anybody thought to have Bin Workin on their project should inform management immediately, Cody said.
They're everywhere...
Local Mountaineer Stymied
Robert Vargas has failed in his quest to become the first man from Warner Robins to climb 29,000 feet high Mount Everest. Vargas reached a height of 850ft before abandonning the attempt, citing dizziness, lack of oxygen and frostbite, but dismissing rumours that the absence of public bars was a major factor.
The team of 24 Sherpa porters, hired by Vargas to transport his Port-a-Potty, porn collection and Hi-Fi system, would be fully paid, he said. Asked if he would try again, Vargas replied that he would stick to social climbing from now on.
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Man Injured when Date Explodes
''Still Love Her,'' Sobs Vargas
I'll miss her....
Warner Robins
A local man barely escaped serious injury this week when his date exploded, probably due to over-inflation.
Robert Vargas of Warner Robins was settling in for a romantic dinner with his companion, known only as "Yolanda", when the explosion occurred, rattling the neighborhood and almost disintegrating his "Bachelor Pad Royale: Ultra Lounge 4" CD, which was playing at the time. Vargas himself was shielded from the brunt of the explosion by his mock Naugahyde Lounger, but was hospitalized briefly to have bits of vinyl and plastic removed from his extremities. "I knew I shouldn't have used that industrial strength pump," said Vargas, adding, "Um...I mean to blow her up. I mean...No comment."
His attorney indicated later that a suit may be filed against the person who provided him with both his date and the pump, Joe Smoo. When contacted, Smoo was laughing too hard to comment.
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More Commandments Deciphered!
Joe Smoo
Field Reporter
Warner Robins -
Excitement mounts in the academic world as scholars continue studying the stone tablets recently unearthed on Mount Arrarat.
Professor Robert Vargas of the prestigious Warner Robins School of Biblical Studies, told incredulous reporters that the tablets appeared to be updating the original commandments, as well as being more politically correct. Two more have been recently revealed:
No.7 Rev.1 reads ''Thou mayest occasionally commit adultery, so long as thou dost not get caught''
No.10 Rev.1 reads ''Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass, nor his/her wife's/husband's ass, nor anything that is his/hers, including their Mercedes-Benz.
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Local Man Very Cautious
A Warner Robins man, Robert Vargas, was approached last night by a shady-looking character offering Rolex knock-off watches for ten dollars. Although the watch salesman was very persuasive, claiming that no one would be able to tell the difference between the knock-off and the real thing, Vargas refused to make the purchase.
When interviewed by NFY reporters, Vargas said, "It's just too risky. If I wore this watch I'd probably get mugged by a thief with a fake gun. I think I'd prefer buying a real Rolex that looks like a Timex."
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* Warner Robins's Robert Vargas descibes how addiction to
cooking
ruined a career, and how, as a trainee
super model,
life is now good again.
Page B4
* Interview with local socialite and cross-dresser, Bill Cody.
Genetic disposition or simply an attempt to escape creditors?
Page C2 |
Tonight's Must See TV Listings:
* The Search for Smoo! Ch. 3, 8:00pm - Documentary based on
the true story of this infamous extortionist and money launderer,
culminating in the relentless manhunt which followed Smoo's daring prison escape.
(Parental discretion)
* Shady Business! Ch. 22, 9:00pm - Follow the hilarious antics of
Robins AFB executives
as they try to swindle the tax-man, their customers, and even their own employees.
Tonight:
Item Management SpecialistRobert Vargas
is charged with sexual harrasment.
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On Tonight! |
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