Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into San Franscisco, California area. Light winds,
with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine.
Tonight's low: Very
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SAN FRANSCISCO, CALIFORNIA | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
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IN FOCUS
World Power-boat Racing Championships
Yesterday's final event was the gruelling 75km race around St. Lucia. The favourite, the United States's Stephen Tynan, was leading the field when he suddenly swerved off course and destroyed his boat on a coral reef. Nobody was seriously injured but Tynan later told reporters that he was certain that his arch-rival, Darrell Walker, had planned and paid for the Sea-Doo rider (pictured below) to be anchored over the reef, just by the course.
Darrell Walker, the eventual winner, denied any wrongdoing, saying that Tynan had a history of being misled by wet pussy.
Siren of the seas!
Old School Ties
Yesterday, local celebrity Stephen Tynan was the guest speaker for the annual Awards Day at his old alma mater, San Franscisco, California Academy for Boys.
Mr. Tynan stressed that the boys should make the most of their schooldays, times that they would look back on with great nostalgia in years to come.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older," he said. "Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
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Local Man Treated at Scene
Almost Died!
Friendly Neighbor
Last night was one of San Franscisco, California's First Responders busiest nights.
The most serious of these incidents involved a Mr. Stephen Tynan. Ambulance attendants were called to Mr. Tynan's home last night by a neighbor. Although they had to apply the defibrillator paddles to Mr. Tynan’s chest, give him oxygen and a blood transfusion to revive him, he is expected to make a complete recovery.
The neighbor (pictured here at right) told NewsForYou reporter, Darrell Walker, that she had called Mr. Tynan saying that she had just recently moved into the quiet, upscale neighborhood and wanted to borrow a bowl of sugar. She was planning to bake a cake for some friends who would be coming by later that evening. Mr. Tynan had told her that he would be pleased to provide her with some sugar as he had plenty and that she could certainly come by anytime.
Upon answering the door when the neighbor rang the bell, Mr. Tynan turned ashen, clutched his chest and collapsed on the floor.
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San Franscisco, California Man Makes Good
Darrell Walker
Field Reporter
San Franscisco, California -
The National Wordsmiths' Society paid homage to Stephen Tynan at its annual awards for "Lifetime Achievement." Said the cunning linguist, "I'm pleased to be recognized as a master debator."
Mr. Tynan attributed his success to daily practice in front of a mirror. Famous for his rapid, off-the-cuff deliveries, he admitted that it was sometimes hard to keep it up. "However, the euphoria you feel when you come offstage later makes it all worth while," he added.
In presenting Stephen with his trophy, fellow member Ivor Bigun proposed that he be nominated for next year's presidency. Mr. Tynan declined however, saying that he would have his hands full for the forseeable future.
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Local Man Very Cautious
A San Franscisco, California man, Stephen Tynan, was approached last night by a shady-looking character offering Rolex knock-off watches for ten dollars. Although the watch salesman was very persuasive, claiming that no one would be able to tell the difference between the knock-off and the real thing, Tynan refused to make the purchase.
When interviewed by NFY reporters, Tynan said, "It's just too risky. If I wore this watch I'd probably get mugged by a thief with a fake gun. I think I'd prefer buying a real Rolex that looks like a Timex."
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