IN FOCUS
Team Fails Drug Test!
The four man bobsled team from the United States was disqualified today after failing a surprise blood doping test at the World Winter Competitions. Officials became suspicious when, at the start of the race, the four men refused to jump into their bobsled together. The blood test later revealed that the performance enhancing drug Viagra was present in all their tests.
"I ain't having no dude crouched up behind me in that state," said driver John Bishop.
Disqualified!
Another skating scandal
It would seem that the International Olympic Committee just can't shake off its controversial image.
Figure pairs skaters John Bishop and Ces Bishop from Cedarburg, WI skated a flawless routine today in the World Championships, but failed to get gold. All the judges scored the performance in the 5.8 range except the French judge, who gave the pair a 2.1, allowing the Russian duo, Vlad the Impaler and Norm Rhodesovich, to win.
The judge denied any wrongdoings but was later seen boarding his luxury private jet for a four week holiday in Geneva.
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Bishop Turns Pro
Says ''Team Comes First''
This could be serious!
A Cedarburg, WI man has put his days as a casual football fan aside and is going professional. "My dad always told me, 'Do what you love,'" said John Bishop, while having his entire body permanently dyed in his team's colors. "I thought, what do I love more than watching football? I mean other than drinking beer and yelling, which are both part of watching football."
Bishop quit his job in order to prepare for the arduous hours involved in being a professional football fan. "It's not just week-ends," he pointed out, noting that some games are now scheduled for during the week. "And in long games you have to pace yourself to make the beer last."
But what separates a professional fan from the amateurs, like his friend Norm Rhodes? "Well, for one, I've had this giant foam hand surgically attached to my arm," Bishop noted, making a "We're No. 1" gesture. "And also, I think I may have a problem. You know, mentally."
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Cedarburg, WI Couch-Potato Denies Steroid Use
Bob Spring
Field Reporter
Cedarburg, WI -
John Bishop has denied ever using steroids, prompting much mirth among experts. "If he's been using steroids, he should get his money back," said Dr. Norm Rhodes of the Sports Medicine Institute.
In a prepared statement, Bishop said that he "never, ever took any steroids or injected himself with foreign substances." Reminded that typically only professional athletes release statements about their steroid use, Bishop responded that he just wanted to "keep all my bases covered." He also stated that he'd never had any plastic surgery, although admitted once buying medications over the Internet to enlarge his genitalia.
"Even that was a complete failure," sniffed his wife, Ces Bishop.
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Shiny Pate A Hazard
A multi-vehicle pile-up occurred yesterday at the corner of Bridge St. and Elm Ave. Police initially suspected those involved of using their cell phones while driving. Further investigation, however, showed that the accident was caused by the blinding glare of the sun off the bald head of local resident John Bishop.
Motorist Norm Rhodes said, "I was driving along and it was like a laser pointer in my eyes. I was barely able to pull over."
Lawmakers across the country are proposing legislation to require people with such reflective scalps to wear hats at all times.
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* Cedarburg, WI's John Bishop descibes how addiction to
fishing
ruined a career, and how, as a trainee
news anchorperson,
life is now good again.
Page B4
* Interview with local socialite and cross-dresser, Bob Spring.
Genetic disposition or simply an attempt to escape creditors?
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Tonight's Must See TV Listings:
* The Search for Rhodes! Ch. 3, 8:00pm - Documentary based on
the true story of this infamous extortionist and money launderer,
culminating in the relentless manhunt which followed Rhodes's daring prison escape.
(Parental discretion)
* Shady Business! Ch. 22, 9:00pm - Follow the hilarious antics of
BAKER-BISHOP-KING executives
as they try to swindle the tax-man, their customers, and even their own employees.
Tonight:
VP MerchandisingJohn Bishop
is charged with sexual harrasment.
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On Tonight! |
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