Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Bucharest area. Light winds,
with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine.
Tonight's low: Very
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BUCHAREST | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Another Oscar for Mel?
Mel Gibson's latest movie once again features extreme violence. Beheadings, disembowelments, limb amputations, genital mutilations, eyeball piercings, hangings, spearings, stabbings tons of blood and gore are commonplace. This mayhem is perpetrated by a swarm of extra terrestrials invading earth with the intent to destroy and take over the planet. Although this premise has been used before, Gibson's PR person, Radu Johnson, said in a recent interview that the gratuitous, graphic and mind-numbing violence makes the film unique and an Oscar contender. The movies title is "Jews from Space".
A Brilliant Filmmaker
Plunged in Darkness
TV personality Radu Johnson is estranged from his wife Vio Johnson, following a freak accident in the bathroom of their home which required her being taken to the Emergency Department of the local hospital.
Before retiring last night, Mr. Johnson had unsuccessfully tried to free a blocked toilet. Exhausted after ten minutes of strenuous plunging, he decided to continue next morning, leaving the plunger in the toilet. "We've been together for years," Mr. Johnson told reporters at the hospital, "But I never realised until now that she pees in the dark."
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New Deodorant For Men!
No scents, no sense, say women
Smelly smelly smelly!
A new scent removal product just marketed is sure to strike fear into the the hearts of women everywhere. New "StripperBGone" spray by the makers of Febreeze promises to remove the distinct odors left on a man after visiting a strip club. "This is exactly what I've been waiting for," said Bucharest's Radu Johnson. "Now I don't have to rush to the bathroom and rub tomato sauce all over my body after coming home from, er, working late, you know..."
However, not everyone is singing the praises of this latest spray for men. Many women feel that this is a potentially deceptive tool in what they call "the war on fidelity". "Strippers smell like strippers for a reason," said Vio Johnson, Radu's wife. "They realize that we need a way of discovering where our men have really been."
While this is a revolution in men's toiletry, "SripperBGone" is not completely fool-proof. Apparently the spray will be sold with a disclaimer, saying that it is not guaranteed to remove the scent of strippers with breasts larger than size 40EE.
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Man Suffers Severe Shock Syndrome
Mada V.
Field Reporter
Bucharest -
A Bucharest man was rushed to the ER of the local hospital last night suffering from multiple, unrelated symptoms.
Radu Johnson managed to mumble a few words to the ambulance attendant although he was suffering from sudden and total hair graying, acute headaches, blurred vision, constriction of air passages, vomiting and heart palpitations.
NFY learned from the medical team that Mr. Johnson had whispered something that might provide a clue as to what happened. It appears Johnson and his wife, Vio Johnson, were having an argument when Vio said "You were right, dear. I'm sorry." It was at this point that Mr. Johnson fell off his chair in shock, and the symptoms began manifesting themselves.
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Cheery Man U.N. Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Radu Johnson of Bucharest as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That man could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use Johnson's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, Johnson said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as he told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute Johnson into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Radu," said friend Mada V., "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
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