IN FOCUS
Monsters Invade Pools!
The swimming pools in and around Sacamento have been closed until further notice. Mayor Richard King made the disturbing announcement at an emergency press conference last night saying that there had been several sightings of unidentified, one-eyed sea serpents threatening women bathers. A local photographer, Carolyn Schmittendor, provided hard evidence that the mayor displayed to a shocked and visibly shaken media. The intrepid mayor said she was personally unafraid and would attempt to catch one and mount it in order to determine if a real threat to the female population existed.
Scarrry!
Local Mountaineer Stymied
Richard King has failed in her quest to become the first woman from Sacamento to climb 29,000 feet high Mount Everest. Ms. King reached a height of 850ft before abandonning the attempt, citing dizziness, lack of oxygen and frostbite, but dismissing rumours that the absence of public washrooms was a major factor.
The team of 32 Sherpa porters, hired by Ms. King to transport her wardrobe and kitchenware would be fully paid, she said. Asked if she would try again, Ms. King replied that she would stick to social climbing from now on.
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Advice from NewsForYou
by columnist, Carolyn Schmittendor
And shopping is tax-free!
Dear Carolyn Schmittendor,
I'm planning a trip to the Caribbean to do some, like, shopping and stuff. You know, local handicrafts and like, island cultural things, sort of. Can you give me some advice on where I can really get my money's worth?
Signed, Richard "Hot Shopper" King
Dear Richard,
The local boys consider going down on women demeaning, so forget that. Also their peckers are gigantic, so bring plenty of KY lubricant. Their pubic hair is rough and coarse, so unless you don't mind chafed thighs and butt cheeks, whatever, bring some skin balm. They're young and strong and for 12 dollars will hump you for hours, so plan a chiropractor visit when you get back.
Oh, did you say you were going for the shopping? Ooops....sorrrrrryyyyy....
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Sacamento Star Wows Them!
Dawn Getty
Field Reporter
Sacamento -
Richard King, local chanteuse, made a brilliant debut at the Sacamento Paladium last night.
Elegantly dressed in a sheer, diaphanous, see-through, transparent evening gown, with no visible underwear, Richard gave the crowd a show they would forever remember.
Her rendition of "I used to kiss him on the lips, but it's all over now," brought many of the men in the audience to the point of paroxysms, swooning, mooning and crooning along with the artiste. Bodyguards had to ring the stage during her finale of "A hard man is so good to find."
Sacamento Ladies Auxiliary has vowed to close the show.
"Richard was always a bit slutty," vendor Carolyn Schmittendor told reporters.
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Local Flirt Teases Tom
A catfight broke out in New York's upscale Four Seasons restaurant last night, when well-known Sacamento resident Richard King reportedly gave the 'come hither' look to Tom Cruise, dining nearby with his new wife, Katie Holmes. Apparently Tom then invited Richard over for a drink but Miss Holmes became vocally animated, referring to the female canine side of Ms King. A hair-pulling, clawing and cussing match ensued for several minutes before waiters were able to separate the two antagonists.
A Church of Scientology spokesman stated, ''This is one of life's questions to which we have no answer, yet.
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* Sacamento's Richard King descibes how addiction to
smoking dope
ruined a career, and how, as a trainee
pimp,
life is now good again.
Page B4
* Interview with local socialite and cross-dresser, Dawn Getty.
Genetic disposition or simply an attempt to escape creditors?
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Tonight's Must See TV Listings:
* The Search for Schmittendor! Ch. 3, 8:00pm - Documentary based on
the true story of this infamous extortionist and money launderer,
culminating in the relentless manhunt which followed Schmittendor's daring prison escape.
(Parental discretion)
* Shady Business! Ch. 22, 9:00pm - Follow the hilarious antics of
Heavy Equipment Operater executives
as they try to swindle the tax-man, their customers, and even their own employees.
Tonight:
rising star
Richard King
is charged with sexual harrasment.
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On Tonight! |
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