Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Gilbert Plains area. Light winds,
with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine.
Tonight's low: Very
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GILBERT PLAINS | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
UN Update!
The United Nations' "Committee for Gender Equality" has passed a resolution condemning the polygamous Morman sect living in Bountiful, British Columbia.
Committee Chairman, Tom Kiddey, stated in a press release: "It is unacceptable that a man should have several wives in this, the 21st century. No man should have to suffer such cruel and unusual punishment." UN peacekeepers may be deployed to protect the sect's male population from female predators.
It just ain't right!
Time Travel Discovered
World famous scientist Richard Korzenoski has created a remarkable invention. Time travel has been tried throughout history and now appears possible through this incredible technology. Further testing by independent agencies is planned for early next year but most experts are skeptical.
In a telephone interview, Korzenoski's assistant, John Kalechyn was asked when Korzenoski would be able to grant a face-to-face session with NFY reporters. John responded, "With all the media attention, Richard is extremely busy and is only available for interviews last week."
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Kiddey Signs For Yankees
Reluctantly!
What a guy! What a game!
NFY Sports Desk
Last night, after lengthy negotiations, veteran leftfielder Tom "the Paunch" Kiddey signed the latest contract offer from the Gilbert Plains Yankees of the American League.
Details of the contract have not yet been disclosed but sources close to the dealings have revealed that Kiddey who had always insisted on a 40 year contract, grudgingly accepted a 30 year no-cut deal for an annual salary of 400 million dollars U.S. The team's ownership, represented by John Kalechyn, an experienced and well-known negotiator, did achieve another of its contract objectives. Management will no longer be required to provide the 350-pound athlete with a meal of bacon, grits, hog jowls, pork bellies and French fries before every game.
A superbly conditioned athlete, Kiddey has won all major baseball awards and has shattered the groin scratching record and his own gob-hawking record that had stood unmatched for almost 12 years.
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Pull This!
John Kalechyn
Field Reporter
Gilbert Plains -
In response to the growing number of "lower body injuries" in professional sports, team doctors are currently conducting a study which they hope will reduce the number of games missed because of these injuries.
Dr. Tom Kiddey has discovered a correlation between the injuries and the the maritial status of male athletes. "Surprisingly, it seems most of the athletes who complain of this condition are married," explained Dr. Kiddey. "This is leading us to believe that the most common complaint, "the nagging groin pull" is more of a spousal description than a sports-related injury.
"Anyway", continued Dr. Kiddey, "I pull my groin every morning but I still have to go to work."
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This Month's Book Review
Tom Kiddey has written a critically acclaimed book "Career Opportunities for English Majors" but NFY reviewer, John Kalechyn, is giving it a three-thumbs down.
"Honestly, the prose is rather inelegant and not really on a par with classic writing," says Kalechyn. "It could be dramatically improved by adhering to basic language rules. For example, contractions aren't appropriate at anytime, one should never generalize and prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Kiddey should try to be more or less specific and should avoid redundancy and using too many words."
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