Today's Weather:
Tornado warning for Warner Robins area. Heavy rain and flooding expected later.
Sunrise: Around dawn.
Sunset: Just before dusk
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WARNER ROBINS | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Taking Years Off!
Medical Researcher Bill Cody claims to have discovered a way to reverse the aging process.
At a news conference Dr. Cody explained, "Modern medicine has evolved to the point where we can change our organs, change our appearance, and even change gender; so why not change our age also? To that end, I have opened the world's first age reassignment clinic. Just bring in your Birth Certificate and
continued on page A9
Deceiving Appearances!
Mayor Denies Nepotism Charges
The mayor of Warner Robins, Steve Koch is again facing accusations of corruption and nepotism linked with the thousands of potholes, bumps and cracks in city's roads.
In a statement, the Mayor said, "It is categorically false that my brother owns an asphalt supply company and that my brother-in-law is a road repair contractor. They are simply partners in a lingerie manufacturing company clearly having nothing to do with roads."
In unrelated news, a recent study revealed a direct relationship between bumpy roads and sports bra sales.
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'Couch-Potato' Ends 6-Month Coma
girlfriend's faithful vigil rewarded
She stayed beside him
"It's a miracle," Diane Koch, the girlfriend of Steve Koch told reporters as Mr. Koch emerged from a 6 month coma, apparently in perfect health.
A bizarre chain of events precedes this heart-warming story. Police reports at the time indicate that the Warner Robins couple had been discussing death and incapacitation and the need for a living will. Koch had told his girlfriend that he never wanted to exist in a vegetable state, dependent on some machine and hooked up to a bottle. Apparently irritated at this, she switched off the football game he was watching and threw out his beer. In the ensuing fracas, Mr. Koch was struck with a cast-iron skillet and fell into a coma.
Ms. Koch has been at his side constantly in the intervening period, ironically, it would seem, refusing doctors the permission to unplug his life support system. "I just couldn't do it," she said. "He was facing the medical monitor and looked his normal self, just like he was at home dozing in front of the TV."
"It was so wonderful when he awoke," she added, "his first word was my name. He said, "Diane, where's the remote?'"
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Health Care Revolution!
Hilary Clinton
Field Reporter
Warner Robins -
Men, can we talk? Are you embarrassed by prostate examinations? Do you wonder what the doctor is thinking about behind your back? Well, you don't have to experience this humiliation any longer. P-Club for Men offers drive-thru prostate examinations and car washes!
Utilizing the latest in lubricants, our patented robotic digital probe is based on the Canadarm as used on space missions and gives you a discreet examination in your car. Results are available while your car is being blow-dried.
We have served thousands of men just like you. Take my word for it. I am not only the President of P-Club for Men, I am also a client!
Steve Koch
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Hypochondriac Cure
In this month's respected medical journal "The Lancet", doctors claim a breakthrough in treating "Steve Koch Syndrome". The medical world has been baffled for years by the case of Mr. Koch from Warner Robins, the United States, who suffered symptoms of multiple ailments and diseases, often simultaneously or in rapid succession. Neither self-medication nor professional treatment brought any relief.
Recent studies have identified a small gland in the front lobe of the brain which acts as an attention seeker, triggering the symptoms. Removing the gland has proven 100% successful.
In unrelated news, pharmaceutical stocks fall sharply.
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