Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected. |
RED HOOK | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
|
|
IN FOCUS
Flood destroys city!
A massive flood inundated Red Hook yesterday. The cause of the floodwaters has been traced to a blocked toilet in an upscale hotel where Kelly Clark was staying for a brief holiday. Analysis of the ruined plumbing system revealed that massive quantities of junk food mixed with large volumes of fine wine in human waste caused the blockage.
The mayor of Red Hook, Chrissy Moir, was unavailable for comment.
The floodgates opened!
Plumber Not All He's Cracked Up To Be
A local plumber, whose name is being withheld by police, is expected to press sexual harrasement charges following an incident at a client's home.
The client, Kelly Clark, is claiming that it was just an honest mistake. Ms. Clark explained that she became confused when the plumber bent down under the sink, exposing the upper portion of his backside. "I thought my friends had sent me a male stripper," said Ms. Clark, "so I rolled up a fiver and stuck it down his butt crack."
|
Kelly Mad About Mad Cow Claims!
May sue...
Craaaaazy Mama!
A Red Hook woman has been placed in quarantine after being suspected of having mad cow disease.
Animal control agents rendered Kelly Clark unconscious via a powerful tranquilizer dart and are now observing her at an undisclosed location. Clark reportedly awoke disturbed and disoriented, proclaiming that she is "not even a cow."
Doctors say such a reaction is typical among certain breeds of livestock. Symptoms of mad cow disease include a change in attitude and behavior, gradual uncoordinated movements, trouble standing and walking, weight loss and decreased milk production. Clark has apparently exhibited all of these traits in recent weeks, although she attributes them to "tequila." Plus, "I can't produce milk when I'm not pregnanant and have no babies!" she said, flashing her delectable pert breasts to accentuate her point.
Doctors plan to observe Clark for another week, then cut off her head and send it to a lab for testing. If results come back negative, she'll be free to go on her way, they say.
|
Hope for Millions of Women
Trish Whitman
Field Reporter
Red Hook -
Anatomist Dr. Kelly Clark has received a grant from the National Climax Control and Woohoo Department to launch a medical research study.
Dr. Clark, working out of her home in Red Hook, theorizes that frequent orgasms for women reduce the growth of unsightly fingernail cuticles, ingrown toenails, corns and bunions.
Chrissy Moir, assistant to Dr. Clark, explained that major renovations to her lab, involving mirrors, strobe lights and animal pelts were underway and suggested that any men eligible to participate in the study would be required to spend one night in the doctor's lab, or a suitable motel, and would be recompensed for their time.
|
Local Woman Late Again
A Red Hook woman drew the ire of friends and relatives this week when she showed up late for her own funeral.
"It was annoying enough when she was alive, but this really takes the cake," said her friend Chrissy Moir, passing time playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with other mourners while waiting for the late Clark to show up.
"This reminds me of the time she was late for the movies and we couldn't go in because we'd already bought her ticket," said her friend. "Except she wasn't dead that time."
Clark could not be reached for comment, being deceased.
|
|
|
|
|
* Red Hook's Kelly Clark descibes how addiction to
smoking dope
ruined a career, and how, as a trainee
dominatrix,
life is now good again.
Page B4
* Interview with local socialite and cross-dresser, Trish Whitman.
Genetic disposition or simply an attempt to escape creditors?
Page C2 |
Tonight's Must See TV Listings:
* The Search for Moir! Ch. 3, 8:00pm - Documentary based on
the true story of this infamous extortionist and money launderer,
culminating in the relentless manhunt which followed Moir's daring prison escape.
(Parental discretion)
* Shady Business! Ch. 22, 9:00pm - Follow the hilarious antics of
Family House executives
as they try to swindle the tax-man, their customers, and even their own employees.
Tonight:
Case ManagerKelly Clark
is charged with sexual harrasment.
|
On Tonight! |
|
|
|
|
|
