IN FOCUS
Relaxation Book for Women!
Renowned physiotherapist, Sandy Pants, has just published a must read how-to book. The book is called "Hey Ladies, Relax!" and is full of tips and tricks to help the busy woman of today slow down the pace. Juggling the role expectations of career, motherhood, wife, companion, leather-clad dominatrix can be exhausting. Many of the calming activities revolve around deep breathing and bathing because of water's therapeutic properties. Pants suggests soaking in the tub with a yellow rubber ducky or any other warm, comfortable toy.
Bathing with toys...aaahhhh
Women's Sports Update
Cycling's prestigious Podunkyville -Timbuktu race was won this year by Sandy Pants in a record time of 2 years and 12 days.
A crowd of 17 people and 3 donkeys gave a tumultuous welcome as she entered the city after an epic ride, during which she fought off snakes, crocodiles, quumfers and sex-starved Anglican missionaries. Saddle-sore and haggard, she said she was cycling back home.
"My God," gasped lover Big Daddy Doofus, "Another 2 years. She wasn't much to look at when she started, and she's not getting any younger, you know."
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Computer Dating Works!
We should all try it.
Compatibility is key!
NFY Entertainment Desk
Local show-biz stars Sandy Pants and Cindy Longwater were interviewed by NFY reporter Big Daddy Doofus at the Podunkyville Film Festival last night.
Asked as to what she attributed the couple's long-standing, happy relationship, Ms.Pants replied, ''It's our compatability, I think. You see, we were introduced to each other through a computer dating service. The questionnaire had a box asking how often one would wish to have sexual relations. Having had a strict upbringing with the nuns, my answer was that I would prefer it infrequently. Later, I found out that Cindy had filled in 'I would prefer it in frequently'. The computer considered this to be a perfect match, apparently.
Anyway, by sheer serendipity I guess, I found Cindy to be not all that well-endowed, so to speak. Frequently, I don't know if it is in or not. It's a perfect relationship.''
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Film To Be Unseen By Millions
Big Daddy Doofus
Field Reporter
Podunkyville -
A Podunkyville woman has been chosen to star in a depressing independent film that nobody will see.
"Apparently they're looking for 'regular people' to highlight the true nature of mankind," said Sandy Pants, who appears as 'Gertude,' a lesbian waitress in the film, entitled "47 Conversations About Nothing." The film will be released simultaneously to theaters, DVD, TV and bootleggers.
"We want to provide as many people as possible the opportunity to not see it," said Pants, who apparently had some tough competition for the role, including more than a dozen street-walkers, two Anglican priests, and several cardboard cutouts.
When released, many Film Academy members are planning to use the free DVDs as coasters.
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Not All Gold-diggers In Klondike!
The scienific world is agog at the recent discovery of another "ice-man", revealed as the Alpine glaciers continue their retreat.
Anthropologist Dr. Big Daddy Doofus, leading the recovery expedition, told NFY reporters, "This is absolutely fantastic. He's lying there, perfectly preserved, just like he's sleeping. And, this is not your ordinary working stiff, this is a man of considerable wealth and stature. He has several gold amulets around his neck, an amethyst ring on his finger, and his belt buckles are fashioned from solid silver."
Offers of marriage have already been sent by Heather Mills McCartney and Sandy Pants.
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