Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Graham, Texas area. Light winds,
with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine.
Tonight's low: Very
| 
GRAHAM, TEXAS | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
Stop pestering me! I don't care! I hate sports!
Today's Lottery Numbers:
Your numbers won, but you forgot to buy a ticket, idiot!
|
|
IN FOCUS
Reduce Hand & Finger Pain
A new cure for arthritis of the hand and finger joints is close to realization. Dr. Michael Russell has discovered, through extensive research, that using the hands and fingers to manipulate something soft yet firm, warm, smooth, of a decent size and with one definite focal point, greatly reduces the aches, pains and stiffness of finger joints. Dr. Russell suggested that each hand should work independently and simultaneously so two therapeutic objects are required. Dr. Russell is experimenting with various objects but NewsForYou staff may have a recommendation.
For the Pain of Arthritis
Pain in the Proverbial!
The Institute for Treating and Controlling Hemorrhoids (ITCH) held its Annual General Meeting yesterday.
Director Ray Hyden deplored the lack of research funds for this condition. "We're at the bottom of every list for government help," Hyden complained. "Another sore point is being the butt of piles of poor puns. We can't sit on this issue. We must act swiftly to sensitize the public."
The meeting concluded with a standing ovation and rousing rendition of the organization's theme song, "Ring of Fire."
|
Gender Equality, At Last!
Women Overjoyed
A Helping Hand
The mayor of Graham, Texas, Michael Russell, in an exclusive interview yesterday with NewsForYou reporter, Darrell Walker, spoke at length about local issues, gender equality in modern life and was most proud of the improving conditions of women in Graham, Texas.
"Women for far too long have had to put up with being looked upon as second-class citizens," the mayor said. "It just wasn't right. We have a modern, open and tolerant society and we are working hard to achieve better status for all people, especially for the women of our community. We have already achieved so much."
To demonstrate his point, the mayor showed a photo (pictured here) of a local couple after an afternoon of shopping. "You see," said Mayor Russell, "Up until recently you would never see anything like this. The young man is helping the woman with the groceries. And she is so very appreciative and grateful for his kindness that when they get home she'll probably give him a BJ that'll make his nuts spin."
|
Mystery Body Still Unidentified
Darrell Walker
Field Reporter
Graham, Texas -
Graham, Texas police discovered the nude body of a man in a local park after a tip was received yesterday afternoon. The park in question is notorious for drug dealing and 'rough trade' gay sexual encounters. The police bulletin described the man as having 'a beer-belly, saggy balls, wrinkly ass and a small dick'.
Concerned friends of Michael Russell, a popular man-about-town, called the station after hearing about the bulletin and not being able to contact Russell on his cell-phone.
However, after one of them was allowed to view the body in the morgue, it was apparent that Russell was not the victim. "Identification was difficult," said the friend, who prefers to remain anonymous, "but Michael's pecker is much smaller than that. Actually, that's why we call him 'Stumpy'."
|
Gold Stocks Plunge
Michael Russell of Graham, Texas, the United States stunned the business world yesterday when he announced that the price of gold is overvalued and predicted it would drop by 50% by week's end.
In a panic reaction, the New York Stock Exchange immediatly lost 1500 points, ruining many investors and causing at least two suicides. By the close of the trading day the market had partially rebounded on the news that no one had ever heard of Michael Russell.
|
|
|
|
|
* Graham, Texas's Michael Russell descibes how addiction to
smoking dope
ruined a career, and how, as a trainee
porn star,
life is now good again.
Page B4
* Interview with local socialite and cross-dresser, Ray Hyden.
Genetic disposition or simply an attempt to escape creditors?
Page C2 |
Tonight's Must See TV Listings:
* The Search for Walker! Ch. 3, 8:00pm - Documentary based on
the true story of this infamous extortionist and money launderer,
culminating in the relentless manhunt which followed Walker's daring prison escape.
(Parental discretion)
* Shady Business! Ch. 22, 9:00pm - Follow the hilarious antics of
The Cliffs executives
as they try to swindle the tax-man, their customers, and even their own employees.
Tonight:
Water GuyMichael Russell
is charged with sexual harrasment.
|
On Tonight! |
|
|
|
|
|
