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SURABAYA | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
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Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Break-in Reported
Surabaya police responded to a call last night from a distraught local woman, Ms. Inne Chaysalina, who claimed that her home was broken into. All that was stolen, she said however, were her breasts. Local cop, Phony Lucu, conducted a full body examination but suggested in the police report that although Ms. Chaysalina was indeed very flat-chested this was probably an insurance scam with the intention of getting enough money for breast augmentation surgery.
Cops Suspicious
Local Mountaineer Stymied
Inne Chaysalina has failed in her quest to become the first woman from Surabaya to climb 29,000 feet high Mount Everest. Ms. Chaysalina reached a height of 850ft before abandonning the attempt, citing dizziness, lack of oxygen and frostbite, but dismissing rumours that the absence of public washrooms was a major factor.
The team of 32 Sherpa porters, hired by Ms. Chaysalina to transport her wardrobe and kitchenware would be fully paid, she said. Asked if she would try again, Ms. Chaysalina replied that she would stick to social climbing from now on.
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Inne Chaysalina Creates Show
Exciting Chance For Aspiring Oldies
Dancing, sleeping...who cares...
From the NFY Entertainment Desk
TV networks can't seem to get enough of reality game shows. A new one is being aired next week on a Surabaya local station. It is loosely based on Dancing with the Stars but, because of the local smaller budget, the title of this show will be "Sleeping with the Old Guys".
Creator of the show, Inne Chaysalina, described the premise in a press release yesterday. "The game will involve several young women going to bed with various older men as the camera watches unblinkingly. The audience will vote, based on technical elements and artistic expression and each week one couple will be eliminated until there is one winner left. This is a wonderful opportunity for maturing males to revive their flagging careers and get back into the swing of things. We are currently casting for young women as we don't yet have any. We do, however, have about six thousand old guys."
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What a Picture!
Kinanthi int Pertiwi
Field Reporter
Surabaya -
Celebrated artist and wit, Inne Chaysalina, was interviewed at her Surabaya studio yesterday.
Asked why she always gives a self-portrait, rather than agree to have her photograph taken, she said that photos always make her look as if she has escaped from the zoo, or is on the run from the police.
In her usual self-deprecating manner, she stated that in her youth she was over 5'4", but has since found she has shrunk to under 4'5" and has difficulty climbing onto the curb after crossing the street.
Ms. Chaysalina told us that she has brown, wavy hair - mostly on her legs - vital statistics of 36" 24" 36" - and that's just her arms - and a backside the width of two double-decker buses side by side.
"Can you wonder I do all my shopping after dark?" she added.
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Cheery Woman UN Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Inne Chaysalina of Surabaya as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That woman could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use Chaysalina's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, Chaysalina said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as she told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute Chaysalina into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Inne," said best friend Kinanthi int Pertiwi, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
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