IN FOCUS
Local Woman in Trouble!
Local businesswoman, Angie Martin is in trouble with Riverview officials. Although, Ms. Martin did get the needed industry association approvals, the required building permits, corporate papers, legal and accounting advice, business licenses and thirty-four tax certificates, she forgot to apply for an environmental inspection approval document as required under by-law 316 sub-section 12 of the Riverview code for a car wash. Like all good entrepreneurs, Ms. Martin keeps a close eye on the business and often gives the boys a hand. She is hoping to resolve her legal issues as soon as possible.
Clean and Shiny
Mistaken Identity? Maybe!
A local man was aquitted yesterday on charges of attempted rape at the Riverview City Court. Ms Angie Martin, who was bringing the charge, told the presiding Judge Penny Lewis how she had simply been chatting with a stranger on a park bench when, in the course of the conversation, she asked him, "Do you like pussycats?". The alleged assault then took place.
The accused, identified as a Mr. Katz, also of Riverview, explained that he had completely misunderstood the intent of Ms Martin's question.
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Locating Men's Brains!
Not a trivial exercise!
What an organ!
From the NFY Health Desk
The old adage that "God gave man a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time", has been challenged in a recent study by Dr. Angie Martin from the Institute of Higher Erections in Riverview, Canada.
The reality would appear to be far more complex than originally thought. According to the study, 75% of all men believe they actually have brains in their penises. Moreover, whilst most men believe that the penis-brain is somewhat smaller than the brain in their head, they believe that it can countermand the latter in cases of extreme importance, such as the opportunity to place itself in warm, wet environments. In cold surroundings, however, the perception is that the opposite is true. Shrinkage takes place and the penis-brain becomes constricted and deprived of blood and oxygen, a condition often referred to clinically as 'Brain-dead'.
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Woman attracts losers, literally
Penny Lewis
Field Reporter
Riverview -
A Riverview woman finds herself in the national spotlight after scientists reveal she is a "loser magnet."
Angie Martin says she knows she has dated her share of losers, but had no idea she was actually physically attracting them. "This explains a lot," she said.
Scientists studying the migration patterns of losers first discovered Martin when they realized that hundreds of losers were making their way into her path, like salmon swimming upstream to spawn.
Martin says she's glad there is an explanation, but worries because apparently an effective loser repellant is still years away. "I wish I could be more like my friends," she said. "Even losers seem to avoid them."
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Local Woman Late Again
A Riverview woman drew the ire of friends and relatives this week when she showed up late for her own funeral.
"It was annoying enough when she was alive, but this really takes the cake," said her friend Penny Lewis, passing time playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with other mourners while waiting for the late Martin to show up.
"This reminds me of the time she was late for the movies and we couldn't go in because we'd already bought her ticket," said her friend. "Except she wasn't dead that time."
Martin could not be reached for comment, being deceased.
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