Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Shaughnessy Alberta area. Light winds,
with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine.
Tonight's low: Very
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SHAUGHNESSY ALBERTA | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
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IN FOCUS
Shaughnessy Alberta Business News
Business is booming at Kevin's Auto Repair since he hired ex-stripper Buxy Belle as a mechanic.
"Buxy's a gift from heaven," owner Kevin Braun told our reporter, pointing to the long line-up of customers awaiting service. "She's a lassie with a real classy chassis," he enthused, "and a certified mechanic, to boot. She handles tools like a pro, she'll check your dip-stick and give you a hand lube-job that'll blow your mind."
Our reporter took this picture of Buxy checking out a car air-conditioner she had just fixed. Looks like it's working just fine!
One cool lady!
Hockey Fan Starts Emitting Pucks
Local hockey fan Kevin Braun has become so excited about the upcoming playoffs that he's started emitting hockey pucks from his posterior, baffling doctors and scientists alike.
"We've never seen anything like this before," noted Dr. Darrell Walker of the National Posterior Region Institute. Dr. Walker did note that their researchers have occasionally found hockey sticks in that area, but usually only after a particularly brutal check.
"I was as surprised as anyone," said Braun of his newfound puck problem. "It's kind of embarrassing, although it does come in handy for pickup games."
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Big Beer Bust!
Cops can be Proud!
Can of beer? Where?
Shaughnessy Alberta Police File
Authorities seized 15,000 cans of illegally produced beer in Shaughnessy Alberta in a bust that one official said was so big it looked like something out of a movie. Agents estimated the beer's street value at 1.3 million dollars. "We did a lot of undercover work.", said Agent Kevin Braun, "We can be proud of this bust."
"In 34 years, I've never seen a beer seizure this large," Chief-of-Police Darrell Walker said after the bust was announced yesterday.
Presumably the beer was intended to be distributed throughout Canada to coincide with universities celebrating Alumni Homecoming Week but the alleged pair accused of the crime were not cooperating with authorities.
HEY! THAT'S THE WRONG PICTURE! WHO'S THE IDIOT THAT PUT THAT PICTURE THERE? I'LL FIRE HIS ASS...GET THAT PICTURE OUT OF THERE! NOW!
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Bush Speaks!
Dave Lockard
Field Reporter
Shaughnessy Alberta -
President Bush has lifted the travel advisory for North Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan.
In a speech to the International Air Transport Association, the President said, "If you are real careful you should be able to avoid getting your head cut off."
The President also responded to Congress's reluctance in legislating proposed changes to daylight savings time, when he today appointed Kevin Braun of Shaughnessy Alberta to the newly-created post of 'Secretary of Time Management'.
In a terse statement, a seemingly impatient President said, "Braun is not that busy these days so if you want to know what friggin' time it is, call him!"
"Kevin never has the time for anyone," said friend Darrell Walker.
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Local Man Very Cautious
A Shaughnessy Alberta man, Kevin Braun, was approached last night by a shady-looking character offering Rolex knock-off watches for ten dollars. Although the watch salesman was very persuasive, claiming that no one would be able to tell the difference between the knock-off and the real thing, Braun refused to make the purchase.
When interviewed by NFY reporters, Braun said, "It's just too risky. If I wore this watch I'd probably get mugged by a thief with a fake gun. I think I'd prefer buying a real Rolex that looks like a Timex."
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