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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

VALDOSTA CT | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.

Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48

Cops in Trouble!

Valdosta CT cop station robbed! Only toilet seats stolen. Chief Fairchild says police have nothing to go on!

World Bank CEO Fairchild warns Canada

Economic chaos as new currency disappears from circulation. Teenage boys suspected of hiding erotic banknotes under mattresses

Valdosta CT Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years!

IN FOCUS

Blackeyes Beaten

For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it. A study led by Valdosta CT scientist, Katie Fairchild, has proven that while raw meat does help the healing process, a cold steak actually delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes. Fairchild's study showed that the application of warm, soft and tender meat is the most effective way to help eyes recover from the damage.

Revolutionary eye treatment

Marital Sex: Pregnancy Risk High

Samantha McFarland, spokesperson for the newly-formed Organisation Against Shameless Marital Sex (Org.ASMS), has announced its pilot program advocating post-marital sexual abstinence. The program comes on the heels of a major government study which concluded that post-marital sex has become the number one cause of pregnancy in the country.
This study was particularly resonant for McFarland who was actually conceived in an act of post-marital sex. McFarland said, "Nobody likes to envision their parents doing the nasty. Let's stop this epidemic before they start popping up in porn movies."

Woman Launches Suit

Claims Contract Breach

Hand in Trouble

Valdosta CT
A Valdosta CT woman, Katie Fairchild is launching a legal suit against her right hand for breach of contract claiming that she had made a verbal agreement with her right hand when she was about twelve years old, that the two of them would be sexual partners forever.
        It now seems that the right hand is no longer interested in sex with Ms. Fairchild, often claiming to be too drunk, busy watching football on TV or too tired after a hard day at the office when Ms. Fairchild makes romantic advances.
        Ms. Fairchild has tried sexy negligees, mood music, and exotic body oils, but with no success. She has also expressed suspicions to the court that the right hand might be flirting with other women. According to her lawyer, Samantha McFarland, Ms. Fairchild is not claiming monetary compensation but simply wants the relationship to continue as it has for so many years.
        Ms. Fairchild has tried to seduce her left hand, who apparently is also not interested.

More Commandments Deciphered!

Don Goldwyn
Field Reporter

Valdosta CT - Excitement mounts in the academic world as scholars continue studying the stone tablets recently unearthed on Mount Arrarat.
        Professor Katie Fairchild of the prestigious Valdosta CT School of Biblical Studies, told incredulous reporters that the tablets appeared to be updating the original commandments, as well as being more politically correct. Two more have been recently revealed:
        No.7 Rev.1 reads ''Thou mayest occasionally commit adultery, so long as thou dost not get caught''
        No.10 Rev.1 reads ''Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass, nor his/her wife's/husband's ass, nor anything that is his/hers, including their Mercedes-Benz.

Local Woman Buys Everything

A Valdosta CT woman has had to give up shopping after buying everything. Katie Fairchild made her last purchase on Tuesday, a red Coach-bag that she "just had to have." Upon traveling to the mall the following day, however, she discovered there was nothing left that she hadn't already bought, in some cases two or three times.
"I really didn't mean to buy everything," said Fairchild, surrounded by thousands of skirts, blouses, pairs of shoes, jewelry, appliances and home entertainment items. "In fact, if I knew I was getting close I would have slowed down. Now I have no idea what to do with myself."