IN FOCUS
McCartney Split Good for Some
Reputed marijuana dealer, Dr. Sandhaus, rejoiced at the news of Paul McCartney's separation from wife Heather Mills.
"My revenues in the last four years were down at least 50%," said Sandhaus, who officially claims to be a seller of antiques on eBay. "We all know how much McCartney loves...er, antiques...but his wife insisted that they spend all his money on saving seals or some such nonsense," added Sandhaus, smiling broadly.
It's over!
Time Travel Discovered
World famous scientist Terry Young has created a remarkable invention. Time travel has been tried throughout history and now appears possible through this incredible technology. Further testing by independent agencies is planned for early next year but most experts are skeptical.
In a telephone interview, Young's assistant, Judy Rose was asked when Young would be able to grant a face-to-face session with NFY reporters. Judy responded, "With all the media attention, Terry is extremely busy and is only available for interviews last week."
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Vacation Pay? It Can!
Crime For Thrills!
Not as peaceful as it seems!
With the advent of extreme vacations, where people travel the globe for crazy experiences, a new form of vacation is emerging: crime holidays. "People go on these holidays to experience the thrill of lawbreaking," said Dr. Sandhaus, President of Crime Time Vacations.
According to Sandhaus, bank- robbing holidays are most popular in Europe, where security is generally light. However, there is a hard core of extreme aficionados who are addicted to high-risk destinations, where punishment can be draconian. Sandhaus cited the case of a client returning to P'yongyang where his wife was executed last year for stealing a carrot. "I know she'd want me to continue doing what we loved best," the man said.
Sandhaus has recently introduced shop-lifting holidays across the country, with Wynona Rider as tour guide. For the budding white-collar criminal, a 3-day holiday package has been developed, with seminars on bilking stockholders and falsifying returns. Ex-Enron executives are being retained as advisors.
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Health Care Revolution!
Judy Rose
Field Reporter
Denver -
Men, can we talk? Are you embarrassed by prostate examinations? Do you wonder what the doctor is thinking about behind your back? Well, you don't have to experience this humiliation any longer. P-Club for Men offers drive-thru prostate examinations and car washes!
Utilizing the latest in lubricants, our patented robotic digital probe is based on the Canadarm as used on space missions and gives you a discreet examination in your car. Results are available while your car is being blow-dried.
We have served thousands of men just like you. Take my word for it. I am not only the President of P-Club for Men, I am also a client!
Dr. Sandhaus
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Hypochondriac Cure
In this month's respected medical journal "The Lancet", doctors claim a breakthrough in treating "Dr. Sandhaus Syndrome". The medical world has been baffled for years by the case of Mr. Sandhaus from Denver, the United States, who suffered symptoms of multiple ailments and diseases, often simultaneously or in rapid succession. Neither self-medication nor professional treatment brought any relief.
Recent studies have identified a small gland in the front lobe of the brain which acts as an attention seeker, triggering the symptoms. Removing the gland has proven 100% successful.
In unrelated news, pharmaceutical stocks fall sharply.
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* Denver's Dr. Sandhaus descibes how addiction to
playing music
ruined a career, and how, as a trainee
rock star,
life is now good again.
Page B4
* Interview with local socialite and cross-dresser, Terry Young.
Genetic disposition or simply an attempt to escape creditors?
Page C2 |
Tonight's Must See TV Listings:
* The Search for Rose! Ch. 3, 8:00pm - Documentary based on
the true story of this infamous extortionist and money launderer,
culminating in the relentless manhunt which followed Rose's daring prison escape.
(Parental discretion)
* Shady Business! Ch. 22, 9:00pm - Follow the hilarious antics of
AlphaNet executives
as they try to swindle the tax-man, their customers, and even their own employees.
Tonight:
Medical DirectorDr. Sandhaus
is charged with sexual harrasment.
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On Tonight! |
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