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KOLKATA | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Rats Getting Stronger
A valid, scientific explanation for the explosion of the rat population in urban centers globally has finally been put forward by local part-time scientist Ankita Das. Das has shown that rats have become healthier, stronger and more reproductive as a result of all the pharmaceutical research taking place - rats being the unwilling beneficiaries of new preventative medicines, antibiotics and miscellaneous cures for all types of diseases. Das's findings will be published in next months edition of the Baghdad Journal of Medicine.
They're everywhere!
An E Makes a Difference!
Geneva:
While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
Head Researcher, Sanhita Sengupta, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."
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Minor Setback for Jacko
Weirdo AND Stupid!
After the Convention!
From the NFY Entertainment Desk
Pop icon Michael Jackson was spotted and interviewed by NFY reporter Ankita Das as he was entering the annual National Miners' Convention, held this year in Charleston, West Virginia.
"I'm really excited about the idea of a convention just for young people," he said. "I can't wait to meet some really cute boys who would come back to Neverland with me to enjoy my pets and pyjama parties."
When asked if he understood that these were underground miners, Michael became even more ecstatic and actually quivered, saying, "That's exactly the type I've been looking for. I don't need any more bad press from those tell-all, publicity-seeking kids."
Mr. Jackson was seen leaving the building shortly afterwards, visibly shaken and weeping copiously as he returned to his helicopter. "How could they play such a cruel hoax on me," he was heard to sob. "It really is the pits."
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Woman Makes Deal With Devil, Gets Cat Food
Sourabh Yerfule
Field Reporter
Kolkata -
A Kolkata woman's deal with the devil has left her with a lifetime supply of cat food. "I knew I should have gone with Door No. 2!" said Ankita Das, who chose Door No. 1 and got the cat food, rather than Door No. 2, which hid a new Mercedes. "Of course, Door No. 3 was eternal damnation, so I guess I should count my blessings," she noted.
Das was chosen to wager her heavenly soul in a quest for fame and fortune after lighting 666 candles arranged in the shape of a pentagram, and returning the questionnaire with an 8x10 glossy. She says she found the devil "intimidating," but "not as bad as that really creepy woman from 'Weakest Link.'"
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What a Nerve!
A transatlantic flight bound for New York was delayed for several hours yesterday after a passenger, identified as Ankita Das of Kolkata, India, refused to change seats when requested to by a stewardess.
Claiming that the aircraft was half empty, and that she had been informed she could sit wherever she pleased, Ms. Das later told reporters that she liked to sit in front and see where she was going. The fact that it was the co-pilot's seat was immaterial, she said, adding that, "just because he wears a fancy uniform doesn't give him the right to order me around." She plans to sue the airline for humiliation, forcible ejection from the plane and misrepresentation of the seating arrangements.
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