IN FOCUS
Beat Tennis Elbow Pain
A new cure for tennis elbow is near at hand. Dr. Vivek Menon has discovered, through extensive research, that using the hand and wrist in a rapid, repetitive, stroking motion on something firm, warm, smooth and of a decent length and circumference, greatly reduces the wrist and elbow pain that may be caused by some sports. Athletes have expressed great interest in the new technique. Dr. Menon is experimenting with various objects but NewsForYou staff may have a recommendation.
It Really Works!
Bush Losing Patience
WASHINGTON DC: Yesterday, Assistant Press Secretary Krishna Kumar issued a brief press release. ''The President is tired of playing games with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,'' said Kumar.
Apparently during on-line tournaments on Yahoo, President Bush has been unable to beat any of these leaders at checkers, tic-tac-toe or hangman. This has been particularly disappointing, since the President's confidence level had been built-up during a series of warm-up games with mentally handicapped persons, who just happened to be working as aides in the White House. Nuclear war is a distinct possibility.
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Condemned Man Eats Hearty Meal
Red snapper ordered ?
Artist's impression
Protesters against capital punishment held a candlelight vigil last night outside San Quentin prison, where Vivek Menon, an inmate on death-row for the past 5 years, was scheduled to be executed at dawn.
Menon, who formally resided right here in Chennai, was America's most wanted man during the nineties, after a wild spree of bank hold-ups, kidnappings, and shoot-outs with police. His good looks and devil-may-care lifestyle made him popular with the ladies, despite his criminal activities.
Together with his brilliant lawyer, Ankush Adlakha, he has skillfully and successfully eluded all previous attempts to bring him to the electric chair, but now it appears that time has finally run out for him.
Always optimistic of a last-minute "Stay of execution" from the State Governor, Menon remained cheerful and had still a good appetite for his last meal. True to form, he insisted on his right to eat whatever he pleased and, although no cameras were allowed in the prison, our reporter, Krishna Kumar was permitted to sketch the event.
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Masters of the Obvious
Ankush Adlakha
Field Reporter
Chennai -
"Conditions need to dramatically improve in Iraq." That's the latest message seen on the United Nations new website www.thingseverybodyalreadyknows.org.
Embedded reporter for the organisation, Vivek Menon has just completed a tour of this war-torn country. The Iraq visit rounds out a series of worldwide trips to disaster-ridden regions.
Menon summarised the group's conclusions in a recent press conference: "South-East Asia needs no more tsunamis or earthquakes. The Israelis and Palestinians need to stop fighting. New Orleans needs to have working levies. Florida needs alligators to stop attacking women. Famine needs to be eradicated in Africa."
"Insightful and brilliantly expressed," was the reaction from most left-wing periodicals and western humanitarian groups.
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Cheery Man U.N. Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Vivek Menon of Chennai as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That man could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use Menon's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, Menon said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as he told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute Menon into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Vivek," said best friend Ankush Adlakha, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
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