IN FOCUS
Autobiography of normal
As celebrities cash in on their autobiographies on reality shows, a Middle East publisher has contracted Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to write a book about his own, very dull, normal life, chronicling his daily routine in excruciating detail.
A riveting preview in a Tehran newspaper revealed that Ahmadinejad was chosen to write his autobiography because of the utter normality of his existence. Books by all his relatives and friends are soon to follow.
Can't Put It Down!
Democracy In Action
Bowing to pressure from various Muslim groups to end the practice of racial profiling at border crossings into Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Minister of Homeland Insecurity and Paranoia, has ordered border guards to change their current politically incorrect procedures.
"Starting immediately, short, swarthy, nervous men of Middle Eastern origin will be allowed through unchallenged and unhampered. Tall, blond, Scandinavian males must be stopped, strip-searched, questioned, background checks completed and embassies notified before getting access into our country."
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Human Spontaneous Combustion
Sex Drought Blamed
Fire Dept Called!
Scientists are marveling over a local man who, after a long period without sex, exploded this week. The victim, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Tehran, was shopping in an appliance store when a Britney Spears video appeared on a bank of High-Definition televisions. “There was a loud pop and then, poof!” said one horrified clerk.
“It’s fascinating,” said Dr. Sven Johansen, a research scientist from Sweden. “I mean, lots of men feel like they’re going to explode if they don’t have sex, but this is the first case on record of actual combustion.”
Apparently,friend Mike Yoskovitz had realized some weeks before that Ahmadinejad needed professional help, after the pair were approached while eating by an attractive waitress, and Yoskovitz noticed what appeared to be steam coming out of Ahmadinejad's pants.
Scientists estimated that Ahmadinejad probably hadn’t had sex since “before the dawn of time.” Then they cracked up and admitted they were just kidding.
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Proposed Deportation Of Local Resident
Ayatollah Khomenei
Field Reporter
Tehran -
In a bizarre twist in the immigration debate, a new government proposal calls for the immediate deportation of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Tehran.
“But I’m not illegal!” said Ahmadinejad when told the news. “I’m not even an immigrant.”
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” responded Mike Yoskovitz, Assistant Secretary for the Department of Immigration. “We can’t do anything about the 11 million illegal immigrants in this country, but we’re darned sure we can do something about Ahmadinejad.”
The measure calls for Ahmadinejad to be taken by boat to Elba, an island off the coast of Tuscany. This is watered down from the original proposal, which had Ahmadinejad parachuted into the Guatemalan jungle.
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World's Biggest Bore
In what may be a record, Tehran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been telling the same boring story since 1989. The story seems to be about a trip to Mexico or someone he knew in school. “There’s really no way to tell,” said friend Mike Yoskovitz, feigning an overactive bladder to escape as Ahmadinejad told reporters, “This reminds me of when I went fishing with my pal Fred. I remember we got out of the boat … Well, it wasn’t really a boat, more of a skiff … Anyway, it was a Tuesday, or Monday — it was early in the week. So we got out of the boat, er, skiff, and looked er, …”
Then our reporter fell asleep.
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* Ayatollah Khomenei of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled
tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events.
Page B8
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Mike Yoskovitz, Crime Reporter |
FOR SALE, by aspiring pop singer who has recently given up skydiving and making love...
Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at Tehran Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.
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Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president at Government of Iran Advises New Business Grads!
"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know." |
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