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Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Elizabeth City area. Light winds, with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine. Tonight's low: Very

ELIZABETH CITY | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Sports Scores:
Stop pestering me! I don't care! I hate sports!

Today's Lottery Numbers:
Your numbers won, but you forgot to buy a ticket, idiot!

Church News!

"Bored? Try a missionary position," suggests Rev. Wild Bill, spiritual leader of the Church of Saturday Saints.

Lessons from Local Lothario

Elizabeth City womaniser Wild Bill counsels men on safe sex. "Don't give real name," he advises. See page D3.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures, says Meteorologist Wild Bill!

IN FOCUS

Beat Tennis Elbow Pain

A new cure for tennis elbow is near at hand. Dr. Wild Bill has discovered, through extensive research, that using the hand and wrist in a rapid, repetitive, stroking motion on something firm, warm, smooth and of a decent length and circumference, greatly reduces the wrist and elbow pain that may be caused by some sports. Athletes have expressed great interest in the new technique. Dr. Bill is experimenting with various objects but NewsForYou staff may have a recommendation.

It Really Works!

Going to the slammer

Convicted polygamist Wild Bill will spend the next five years behind bars. Once rumored to have fifty wives, Bill's rural camp, just outside of Elizabeth City, was recently raided by police.
Inmates at the prison look forward to Bill's arrival. "There ain't nothing like getting someone in here with experience, and we sure could use some fresh meat." said inmate Lou "Bubba" Penson, imprisoned for serial jaywalking.
Bill has already made a request to use the local football stadium for his first conjugal visit.

Big Beer Bust!

Cops can be Proud!

Can of beer? Where?

Elizabeth City Police File
Authorities seized 15,000 cans of illegally produced beer in Elizabeth City in a bust that one official said was so big it looked like something out of a movie. Agents estimated the beer's street value at 1.3 million dollars. "We did a lot of undercover work.", said Agent Wild Bill, "We can be proud of this bust."
"In 34 years, I've never seen a beer seizure this large," Chief-of-Police Lou Penson said after the bust was announced yesterday.
Presumably the beer was intended to be distributed throughout the United States to coincide with universities celebrating Alumni Homecoming Week but the alleged pair accused of the crime were not cooperating with authorities.
HEY! THAT'S THE WRONG PICTURE! WHO'S THE IDIOT THAT PUT THAT PICTURE THERE? I'LL FIRE HIS ASS...GET THAT PICTURE OUT OF THERE! NOW!

Mystery Body Still Unidentified

Lou Penson
Field Reporter

Elizabeth City - Elizabeth City police discovered the nude body of a man in a local park after a tip was received yesterday afternoon. The park in question is notorious for drug dealing and 'rough trade' gay sexual encounters. The police bulletin described the man as having 'a beer-belly, saggy balls, wrinkly ass and a small dick'.
Concerned friends of Wild Bill, a popular man-about-town, called the station after hearing about the bulletin and not being able to contact Bill on his cell-phone.
However, after one of them was allowed to view the body in the morgue, it was apparent that Bill was not the victim. "Identification was difficult," said the friend, who prefers to remain anonymous, "but Wild's pecker is much smaller than that. Actually, that's why we call him 'Stumpy'."

Local Man Late Again

A Elizabeth City man drew the ire of friends and relatives this week when he showed up late for his own funeral.
        "It was annoying enough when he was alive, but this really takes the cake," said his co-worker Lou Penson, passing time playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with other mourners while waiting for the late Bill to show up.
        "This reminds me of the time he was late for the movies and we couldn't go in because we'd already bought his ticket," said his co-worker. "Except he wasn't dead that time."
        Bill could not be reached for comment, being deceased.

Lou Penson wishes you a nice day!

In The Paper

* Herb Harrel of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events. Page B8

* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Lou Penson, Crime Reporter

FOR SALE, by aspiring male escort who has recently given up skydiving...

Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Wild Bill at Elizabeth City Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.

Wild Bill, Straw Boss at JC Welding Advises New Business Grads!

"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know."