Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into San Francisco area. Light winds,
with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine.
Tonight's low: Very
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SAN FRANCISCO | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
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IN FOCUS
Mascot Won't Need Costume!
Local man Scott Adams has been named football's newest mascot. Officials noted that Adams will make the perfect mascot in that he won't need a costume or really need to change his behavior in any way.
"It's true," said Adams. "For some reason almost everyone I run into in daily life expects me to shake my ass and lead them in the chicken dance." His unblinking, googly eyes are also expected to help him master the job.
Cute...but duuuumb...
Bush Losing Patience
WASHINGTON DC: Yesterday, Assistant Press Secretary Scott Adams issued a brief press release. ''The President is tired of playing games with Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong ll and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,'' said Adams.
Apparently during on-line tournaments on Yahoo, President Bush has been unable to beat any of these leaders at checkers, tic-tac-toe or hangman. This has been particularly disappointing, since the President's confidence level had been built-up during a series of warm-up games with mentally handicapped persons, who just happened to be working as aides in the White House. Nuclear war is a distinct possibility.
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New Iraqi Kidnapping
Reporters Briefed On Latest Outrage
One captive pictured here
From the NFY Political Desk
Al'Jazeera has just released a harrowing videotape from a previously unknown group calling itself The Martyrs for Brief Liberation, showing two pairs of underwear being held by this group. Although in shackles and blindfolded, the underwear did not seem to have been mistreated. Unidentified as yet, one is obviously male, the other female, although its owner could possibly be a cross-dresser, the army admits. The clothing was apparently grabbed from a clothesline in a US compound with the help of someone on the inside.
The Martyrs are demanding all Muslim underwear held in captivity be immediately released. President Bush stated that he will not bow to blackmail or negotiate with terrorists.
Speaking on condition of anonymity and off the record, Scott Adams, Spokesperson for Coalition Forces, told NFY reporter, Ben Yoskovitz, "Not everyone is happy with Bush's stance. He can say what he wants, but it's not his shorts on the line."
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Smoke Alarm Gets High Alert!
Barbara Walters
Field Reporter
San Francisco -
Firefighters were called to the home of San Francisco resident Scott Adams late last night after neighbors spotted smoke seeping from a window. Adams was taken to a local hospital where he was treated for second degree burns to his buttocks.
Investigators were at first baffled after finding a propane torch, a blow dryer and a basket of wet moss attached to a kitchen chair with a hole in its seat. Suspecting terrorist activity, the area was cordonned off, but, after interviewing Mr. Adams, they were finally satisfied with his explanation that he was "working on a device to blow smoke up your butt."
"I'm relieved we got to the bottom of that", said Forensic Scientist Ben Yoskovitz of the San Francisco Police Department.
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This Month's Book Review
Scott Adams has written a critically acclaimed book "Career Opportunities for English Majors" but NFY reviewer, Ben Yoskovitz, is giving it a three-thumbs down.
"Honestly, the prose is rather inelegant and not really on a par with classic writing," says Yoskovitz. "It could be dramatically improved by adhering to basic language rules. For example, contractions aren't appropriate at anytime, one should never generalize and prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Adams should try to be more or less specific and should avoid redundancy and using too many words."
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