Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Latonia area. Light winds,
with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine.
Tonight's low: Very
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LATONIA | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Stacey Flashes The Goods!
Latonia's Oscar-winning Tim King was spotted yesterday squiring his girlfriend, Stacey Murray to a Hollywood Charity Ball.
Our photographer, Jake Doyman, was on hand to snap this shot of the lady's snapper as she stepped out of the limo.
Evidently a wardrobe malfunction had occurred, or Ms. Murray had dressed too hurriedly, or some kind of hanky-panky had just been going on in the car. Mr. King's sheepish grin, together with his still-open fly, would tend to favour the last possibility.
All yours!
They Really Like It ??
A recent survey of 1,000 women in Latonia reported that women do, in fact, like sex.
Men everywhere are said to be utterly shocked, including Tim King, partner of Stacey Murray, one of the women polled. "They like it? I thought they just did it for us and babies...."
Reporters descended on the couple's home yesterday for further comment from Stacey Murray, only to find the front door shut, the blinds pulled tight, and the postman running naked out the back door.
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Big Beer Bust!
Cops can be Proud!
Can of beer? Where?
Latonia Police File
Authorities seized 15,000 cans of illegally produced beer in Latonia in a bust that one official said was so big it looked like something out of a movie. Agents estimated the beer's street value at 1.3 million dollars. "We did a lot of undercover work.", said Agent Tim King, "We can be proud of this bust."
"In 34 years, I've never seen a beer seizure this large," Chief-of-Police Debbie Campbell said after the bust was announced yesterday.
Presumably the beer was intended to be distributed throughout the United States to coincide with universities celebrating Alumni Homecoming Week but the alleged pair accused of the crime were not cooperating with authorities.
HEY! THAT'S THE WRONG PICTURE! WHO'S THE IDIOT THAT PUT THAT PICTURE THERE? I'LL FIRE HIS ASS...GET THAT PICTURE OUT OF THERE! NOW!
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Local Man Named Missing Link
Debbie Campbell
Field Reporter
Latonia -
A Latonia man has been determined by scientists to be the missing link between fish and land animals.
According to a study published in today's journal "Nature," Tim King may represent life-form in the crucial period of evolution when creatures first climbed from water onto land. When asked how they came to this conclusion, they responded, "Well, just look at him."
King himself objected to the designation, noting that he is "not fossilized." Plus, "I'm not even a good swimmer."
But scientists beg to differ, saying they are currently planning to sneak up on him, hold him down and remove his socks to see if his toes are webbed.
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Greed Pays!
Last night, in Latonia, loan-shark boss Tim King announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Debbie Campbell, King appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.
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* Jake Doyman of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled
tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events.
Page B8
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Debbie Campbell, Crime Reporter |
FOR SALE, by aspiring stripper who has recently given up skydiving and fishing...
Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Tim King at Latonia Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.
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Tim King, Crew member at KYDOT Advises New Business Grads!
"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know." |
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