IN FOCUS
Couple Considers Kyoto
While a joint committee of the UN Security Council and Environmental Task Force met today in New York to discuss Kyoto Accord implications, Katie Fairchild and Jim Fairchild met to discuss what they could do to conserve energy and minimize emissions.
Jim suggested that they only have sex three times a year instead of the usual five to conserve energy while Katie promised to reduce flatulence by eating less junk food.
"They are so environmentally aware," friend Don Goldwyn told reporters.
It impacts everyone
An E Makes a Difference!
Geneva:
While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
Head Researcher, DON GOLDWYN, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."
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Local Sportswoman Shows Her Stuff!
Fracas on the field
Tough....
Women's soccer is becoming more and more popular in the United States. We interviewed Katie Fairchild, the captain of Valdosta Ladies United, prior to its game against a visiting team from France.
"It's a wonderful activity," she told us. "It brings out the very best in the girls, sportsmanship, friendliness, team spirit, etc. We love playing, just for the fun of it, win or lose."
Unfortunately, the game proved to be anything but amicable, and Fairchild was given a yellow card early in the second half for deliberately kicking an opponent in the groin and calling her "a rat-assed, ugly, snail-eating bitch."
Minutes later she was sent off after spitting at a linesman following a disputed call, then questioning the parentage of the referee who intervened. On leaving the field, she mooned the jeering spectators, one of whom, Don Goldwyn, described the sight as "awesome, a truly terrifying spectacle, - I don't ever want to see that thing pointed at me again."
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Man Clubbed!
DON GOLDWYN
Field Reporter
Valdosta -
A Valdosta woman was charged with aggravated assault in a preliminary hearing at the District Court House yesterday.
Officer Don Goldwyn testified that after being called to intervene in a domestic dispute, police found the victim Jim Fairchild unconscious on the floor.
The accused, Katie Fairchild, clad in a flimsy baby-doll nightie, was weeping and trying to revive him. Apparently, in an attempt to revitalize their flagging love-life, she had suggested they play around together. When Mr. Fairchild said he would phone for a tee off time next morning, Ms. Fairchild became infuriated and struck him with a seven-iron.
Mr. Fairchild is expected to make a full recovery.
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Local Actress Busted!
Ms. Katie Fairchild, well known in local theatrical circles, was charged with assaulting two police officers.
Ms. Fairchild was pulled over for speeding, but denied the charge and claimed harassment because of her celebrity status. She stated that she had not kicked one officer in the groin but was merely trying to get a stone out of her shoe. As for biting the other officer, Ms. Fairchild maintained it was self-defense as he was trying to put his finger in her mouth.
Later, Ms. Fairchild told reporters that this was a "fascist police state" and likened the judge to Genghis Khan.
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