IN FOCUS
Returns to Roots
A local man, Joey Lim, has finally, through years of extensive genealogical research, discovered his ethnic roots. Last week, Lim renounced his citizenship, bought a one-way ticket from Singapore, Singapore to Kazakhstan and in an emotional farewell to friends and family, boarded the plane that would take him to the land of his ancestors.
Lim seems to have adapted well to his new home judging by some of the pictures he recently sent back to his Singapore relatives. He is pictured here leaving on his honeymoon with his two new brides. We will all miss him but wish him the best.
A New and Happy Home
Democracy In Action
Bowing to pressure from various Muslim groups to end the practice of racial profiling at border crossings into Singapore, Joey Lim, Minister of Homeland Insecurity and Paranoia, has ordered border guards to change their current politically incorrect procedures.
"Starting immediately, short, swarthy, nervous men of Middle Eastern origin will be allowed through unchallenged and unhampered. Tall, blond, Scandinavian males must be stopped, strip-searched, questioned, background checks completed and embassies notified before getting access into our country."
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Highest Score In Golf History!
Will be hard to beat...
What a golfer!
Singapore
A local golfer set a new world record this week when he logged the highest golf score ever recorded by an able-bodied adult.
Joey Lim says he didn't set out to break the record; he just did what he always does on the course, which is to play like a wounded orang-utang. "But I knew today was something special when I shanked that ball into the guy playing a hole behind us."
The actual score will be released when the next record book is published, but sources close to Lim described it as "a bowling score, basically. His best hole was a 15 on a par 3. Even that was with two mulligans and a 12 ft. gimmee."
In a game that featured an elusive quintuple bogey and no fewer than three shots into bodies of water that were not part of the golf course, Lim also sent one bystander, . ., to the hospital with a ball lodged in the nasal cavity.
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Local Sportsman Shows His Stuff!
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Field Reporter
Singapore -
Amateur soccer is becoming hugely popular in Singapore. We interviewed Joey Lim, captain of Singapore United, prior to its game against a visiting French team.
"It's a great sport," he told us. "It brings out the very best in the lads, sportsmanship, friendliness, team spirit, etc. We love playing, win or lose."
Unfortunately, the game proved to be anything but amicable, and Lim was warned early in the second half for deliberately kicking an opponent in the groin and calling him "a rat-assed, ugly frog-eater."
Minutes later he was sent off for spitting at a linesman following a disputed call, then questioning the parentage of the referee. On leaving the field, he mooned the jeering spectators, one of whom described the sight as "awesome, a terrifying spectacle, - I never want to see that thing pointed at me again."
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Shiny Pate A Hazard
A multi-vehicle pile-up occurred yesterday at the corner of Bridge St. and Elm Ave. Police initially suspected those involved of using their cell phones while driving. Further investigation, however, showed that the accident was caused by the blinding glare of the sun off the bald head of local resident Joey Lim.
Motorist . . said, "I was driving along and it was like a laser pointer in my eyes. I was barely able to pull over."
Lawmakers across the country are proposing legislation to require people with such reflective scalps to wear hats at all times.
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